snapshots are the new thing?

'the rain after it falls'
-jonathan coe

i finished reading the jacket copy after finishing the book. perhaps this is book, so overtly pitched to women, went over my head. this is my second book in recent months, following emily mitchell's 'the last summer of the world,' which i'm still reading, that uses photographs to frame the narrative. the device is more overt here. i found it annoying. when i realized the book was going to be a series of descriptions of photographs, it was dread that overtook me, nothing else. basically, a family learns the secret life of a deceased aunt and the identity of her lost heir through a series of recordings she has left behind. i thought the "listening" characters were weak, and that much of the material they heard was boring. it could all be a matter of preference. there are some nice touches, but i was really just trying to get through this most of the time i spent reading it. that being said, it was not a true chore to read.

a bit of an in joke

maybe it doesn't have to be an in joke. bigbadabangband is a pretty funny name. they're not as good as xploding plastix, but those guys are very good at what they do. it's been a few years, but it's still worth sending a thank you to my friends for finding the club where they were playing in rotterdam after i'd given up. if it was up to me, we would have flown across the atlantic and not even attended the show that was the original excuse for making the trip.

the power of procrastination

i'd been puzzling over how i was ever going to decide whether to see aimee mann or old 97s this summer, and basically my choice has been made due to an imbalance in demand for the two concerts i was considering. it's sad in a way, but i have no choice at this point. i'm also glad that i haven't been literally counting the days until the new jennifer o'connor record. more than a month still, ok people? sorry if i gave it away.

i didn't mean to make fun of anybody

all i did was ask if it was really a decision whether or not bon jovi would wear a black leather vest when he came out on stage. i thought it was funny to ask if he might have considered brown or red, but i had no desire to poke fun at him. he has pretty nice teeth. later on, he wore a red and then a blue shirt.

bridges, hats, diners

what is it about my brain that allows me to walk over a bridge, eat at a diner i've never seen in a town i've never visited and think "this is perfect, this is so what this place should be?" i don't think i've eaten at a diner with golden sparkles embedded in the ceiling, nor have i had a rootbeer float with whipped cream on top. it's been a long time since i've had french toast, and i certainly have never gotten yelled at by a cyclist while crossing a bridge. there were 11 of us (i think) and of course we tried to get out of the way of the two cyclists, but some went to one side of the footpath and some went to the other side. that's not ideal, it might not be the smartest, but there was room for him to go through. there's certainly no need to whine "come on guys, share the bridge." what part of getting out of his way does not indicate a willingness to share the bridge? since i don't care much about many things lately, it's surprising how long i spent wondering what would have happened if i'd punched that guy.

launch date

in the spirit of interconnectedness and the theory that most music is worth at least a brief listen, i'm exploring bands through their online friendships with other bands. let's start with {{{ sunset }}}, an austin, tx band. technically, they have what could be described as a melodic pop sound, with vintage keyboard tones an important element of their music. i think it's safe to say that i could have written their bio, but i did not. in fact, i'm not sure i'm capable of writing such things any longer:

"{{{ SUNSET }}} is ow tin, TX based headstock music group of which dabbles in psychedelic volks-rots. They have this way now played for a year or, and constantly evolved. The group started initially as sale for the songwriting of Baird of the account outside group sound Team. After sound dissolved Team, concentrated he is only ideas on this new project.

They register an album of new songs, segues, and other fantastic ideas. After they finish registering, they probably the way and travel will affect the U.S. entirely concerning these large states. "

tradeoffs

last summer, i slept with no air conditioning and it wasn't that bad. we had a window fan unit that provided good circulation. this summer, i have a second hand a/c unit that makes more noise than is reasonable or bearable. i am a heavy sleeper, and this thing wakes me up several times a night. the real problem is that the incredibly loud spurts are periodic. they sneak up on you and ruin a perfectly good stretch of sleep. the bonus is cooler air, but i'm willing to sacrifice that, especially considering the environmental benefits of using less energy.

rain, relative height, policing

watched fireworks from a crowded public park, police doing a nice job of keeping order while remaining more of a presence than a force. i wasn't looking forward to standing up to watch fireworks, as fun day's rock climbing event had still not worked its way out of my system. i wasn't excited about the rain either, but it wasn't all that bad. mostly, i kept thinking of aimee mann's song 4th of july.

fun day 2008

we won again. it's a bit weird being the team that everyone hates, watching them literally turn their backs on us when we introduced ourselves, and going in an taking first place a second year. of course, second prize was a free day off, like last year, and thus still a better prize than first. i knew that all along and still was desperate to win.

somersaults

i am doing somersaults in my head. well, i was doing somersaults in my head as i walked past the public buses on my way around the corner and up to the office this morning. actually, they were flips, but at the time i was calling them somersaults. i had decided that, if it wasn't safe to pursue certain standard thought patterns, i should at least do something fun. somersaults seem fun. first i was jumping on a trampoline, then i started doing flips...and calling them somersaults.

good reads

the thirteenth tale
-dianne setterfield

this was a book club selection, and i enjoyed it a lot. for some reason i want to categorize it with the harry potter books, perhaps because it was a thoroughly enjoyable read and one without a lot of pretense. it's not really a kids' book even, and the subject matter is rather different and decidedly non-magical. if there is something particular to be learned from this book, i don't know what that might be. i have no problem with that.

who knew?

apparently, when i'm trying to sound contrite, i sometimes speak in a minnesota accent.

songs of the week, wk 17

'a man, me, then jim'

'let's dance to joy division'

'come back margaret'

'sway'

small mystery

i saw a man unlock a bike with a hammer this morning. he had some type of chisel and pounded the chain off the bike. he put the pieces of chain on his shoulder. then he got on, rode the bike for a block, got off, and talked to someone briefly before entering an apartment building. he left the bike, unlocked, next to the door. it looked like it cost $200 new.

chasing

had a softball game today. wasn't my best work, but i made a nice sliding catch in right to end one inning. let a ball hop over my glove because i charged too hard and didn't back off when it was clear it would drop; that turned a single into a double. tried way too hard to run over and grab another ball; no one else could have caught it, but someone else would have picked it up quickly enough to prevent the batter from making it around the bases. i was tearing my way over to get it, got my glove on it, and took a while digging it out of the long grass. i guess there's a reason they like to mow the outfield.

no one heard

'i hear there's a lot of things on the tools menu. i think that's where you can turn off...turn off calculations too. (pause) i think i'm dying.'

eating habits

some of my least favorite meals growing up were the kind where meat is the main course. pork chops and all types of chicken dishes that never seemed to have that much flavor come quickly to mind. it's no wonder i accidentally stumbled into vegetarianism; i had plenty of negative associations with eating meat, so it was no real difficulty giving it up.

promising

while i'm trying to convince myself i can write, here's a promising observation: i have imaginary conversations with people in my head all the time. that can only help.

(ok, maybe everyone does this)

fighting for air

spencer krug is a good choice for listening in the dark, hiding under a table.

record

passport renewal filed; new passport arrives 9 days later. that has got to be a record. no expedited fees enclosed or anything. wooo!

having too much fun with this

to stop.

i'm trying to prove this, but i think it was a misspelling that got me on this kick in the first place. i was searching for some other artist i would never really be that interested in and mistakenly i find something i like.

make the best of a rough situation

so maybe i turned this sold-outness into an opportunity to find something else.

also must check out the song cryptacize track and one from nedelle here.

who decides these things?

i haven't paid a whole ton of attention to new music lately, but i'm mildly annoyed that jennifer o'connor (new record out in aug, btw) is touring with some 'jamie lidell' who apparently is a big draw. why can't obscure-but-amazing artists tour with other underappreciated talents, so that people who pay no attention to the touring schedules of some of their favorite acts can buy tickets at the last minute?

grrr.

too much quiet?

"If you were to watch him at the auctions of book fairs that he attends frequently, you would notice how often he is approached by quietly spoken, quietly dressed individuals, who draw him aside with a quiet word. Their eyes are anything but quiet."

if you're an author and you choose to repeat a word so frequently, you'd better hope you're pretty good at it. i think the fourth 'quiet' actually saves the previous three. it seems like the difference between doing something because it's cute and doing something clever.

welcome back

i'm not exactly sure what i'm returning from really, but i think the stress is dissipating, and i felt pretty normal tonight. i've gotten a little bit of chance to experience what some people's lives are like regularly; yes, it is possible to get so stressed out it makes you ill, and i am sure it gets worse than that. i was still a bit out of sorts today; the onset of illness was still a factor, since the cold virus wasn't just going to run off as i calmed down. i still had this weird tension in my stomach, which did not get worse after a french fry and soda dinner. yuk.

a few observations

i refuse to drink more blue-colored puree/juice concoctions. they get old quickly.

stress has adverse effects on your wellbeing. it also breeds more stress.

second-hand shops are a great place to find deals on cds. it is necessary, when getting a deal, to make sure you are getting what you expect. open the case before you buy. it's easy.

it's easier to use socks for tasks that don't require a matched pair. protecting small electronic devices only requires one sock (per device).

people who live in small apartments have a right to expect a lot of good gifts.

pink with spots

one of the cruelest minor offenses to sibling duty that my sister committed as a teenager was her stubborn refusal to tell me what one of her jellybeans actually tasted like. i was wearing braces, and generally honored the orthodontist's ban on sticky candies of all types, including jelly beans. my sister was enjoying her gastronomic freedom and private stash of candy, and i just wanted to know what the pink speckled ones tasted like. she insisted it tasted like "pink with spots."

best wishes

i was ill last week, and the recovery process wasn't as bad as the general desire to keep not going in to work. usually, my health tends to break down right around the time i could use a break anyway. that might once more have been the case, but i enjoyd the break a little too much. that, combined with a serious lack of motivation i've struggled with lately made the return to work a bit tougher than it should have been. the good news is that i've been overall pretty happy for 3 months straight. not to say every single day of that stretch has been awesome, but i'm running on a really good streak here. maybe it's come to a temporary end or maybe i'll be fine again tomorrow.

what's the matter with rain?

beautiful day for a picnic in the park. what is it about rain that ruins things like that? yes, it's wet and can make you cold, but it seems like it's no fun even when it is warm enough that it's ok. do we really hate being wet that much? i guess so.

at least it was brown rice

how has your day been? i just took a break from lunch, which i ate out of a saucepan, on my bunkbed, in the dark. lunch today was cold rice.

it was a farce?

the corrections
-jonathan franzen

i'm still not denying that jonathan franzen is a good writer, i just hope i don't read him again. this book was supposed to be a lot funnier than i found it. i guess married couples being horrible to each other just isn't that funny to me. i have to say, don't read this book unless you want to feel awful.

jonathen franzen is weird

i don't care how good of an author he is, i don't care how many awards he's won, i am so not happy (now that i remember which author he is) that i have a 500-page book of his to read on my travels this weekend.

oh well

social experiment

ingredients:

1 shiny music player

1 ordinary workplace

1 forgetful individual

1 evening


will the forgetful individual find the music player in the morning? will people from the ordinary workplace discover the music player, and if so, will they be friendly people who place it safely in a drawer? will the evening be completely uneventful?



stay tuned...

half alive, half dead, half working

my roommate was out of town a few weekends ago and i nearly killed his tomato plant. there's this little spray bottle next to it that you're supposed to use to keep it watered. once you've forgotten to water a three-foot high tomato plant for a couple days, you're unlikely to catch up no matter how heartily you spray the water at it.

half asleep

this morning, convinced there was no point in getting out of bed, i was writing a short story, in my head, half asleep. it seemed to be going well. i'm not sure if that's a good sign, or if i'm just delusional. i didn't write all that much, i think a scene was unfolding in a parking garage. if i had to guess, i'm thinking it involved a car, with the door open, and a man. that's all i can remember.

cards

one of my friends is interested in designing a greeting card. turns out it's not for anyone in particular; she just had an idea for something and wanted to see it to completion. the fascinating part to me is that she said it's not that often that she'll think of things that she wants to create. i have ideas about all sorts of things all the time, and i hadn't really thought of the possibility of someone not experiencing that. not all ideas are any good, and most of the ones i have are too tiny to really mean anything; they need development. that's natural, i would think. of course, i keep thinking about jack hannahan's name for no reason at all, and there's not much point to that. he plays third base for the oakland a's, and there's not much reason to think about jack hannahan himself, except for that fairly interesting name of his. sometimes i think extensively about some name i don't really like the sound of; it's like getting an annoying song stuck in your head.

life changes

various things have stuck with me longer and more solidly than they really should have. a t/a for college physics, grading one of my papers, corrected my misspelling of the word 'sentence' emphatically enough that i finally got it in my head that i'd been wrong. i had a friend in high school who insisted on pointing out this spelling problem of mine, but i'd ignored him. oh my arrogance.

reading, by the way, is a priority. nothing really gets in the way of reading. writing, on the other hand, is going to be of far greater importance. i've got some good starts on a few projects, most recently a biographical piece i like in concept. i need to work on expressing myself in simple language.

short stinkin' lived

so much for 'authors with abbreviated first names' week. somehow it's easy at times to go to the library specifically to pick up the book for book club, check out six other books, and leave the library wondering which books you'll read first. i had it worked out. for the rest of the week, i'd only read stuff by people with abbreviated first names - j.t. leroy and zz packer, unless i stumbled upon some others and checked out even more books. i probably can't do that; i think i'm back up over 20 library books again, and they probably don't let you take out 30. so wallace stegner it is. i'm glad that the wearyingly descriptive beginning lasted only 12 pages or so, not 80 like in 'the sea, the sea.' it was amazing how much i enjoyed that book considering how much of a drag the first section got to be.

not what you'd guess

the story of how one evening is unexpectedly influenced by carelessness, a 20-foot walk, charades, and a friend's no-refined-sugar diet.

power, with a side of strawberries

one of the more disarming statements made to me during my professional career was 'you're not really interested in becoming a manager, are you?' this was in an interview, spoken by a woman who grew up 6 blocks from my last apartment. i felt a great rapport with her during the interview. in the end, her assessment was probably what killed me. she liked me, but i'm pretty sure she could tell i'm not interested in playing someone's game for the next 5 years in an endless quest to get ahead. it's always friends who figure you out. that's why they get under our skin so easily. at some point the relationship reaches the point where poking at tender points is effortless. not in a good way. maybe if she'd been the hiring manager, rather than the hiring manager's supervisor, she would have taken a chance on me just for the sake of friendship. why am i calling it that?

i'm sending myself to charm school this weekend. there are a lot of things i want to accomplish - find second furniture, shop, buy food, make greeting cards, throw a party - but this is one that i need to prioritize. this weekend's lesson: legacies. i'm going to build a time capsule, to be opened in one month. by me. i'll throw in a few words about the latest hopes and dreams, which crushes i've abandoned, and a snack or two. in a month, we'll see if i can make any sense of historical me. a lot can change in a month.

i still want donuts

you know the oil price thing really hasn't changed us enough when a large vehicle getting 16mpg in the city is advertised as having 'exceptional' fuel economy. sure, maybe it's better than other large vehicles, but until it becomes economically impossible to sell things like this, nothing has really changed.

things i never thought i would say

the postal service is growing on me.

i think beyond the casual-listen pop appeal, they've always driven me up the wall with increased exposure (ie listening to half the album in someone's car). these last few weeks, hearing a song or two now and then, i'm liking some of it. question is, is this just going to fade again with exposure?

some people deserve what they get

i like to make regular donations to the library. they appreciate it more when i give them money 25 cents at a time, in appreciation for the chance to take a book out a little longer than originally planned. as i'm waking up to make sure i stop running up fines on the books due two days ago, and digging books due tomorrow out of several different hiding places, i have one conclusion. i deserve library fines. three years ago, i never would have thought i'd be like this.

extreme kyle

extreme kyle is an imaginary friend of mine who does not exist. when i say this, i do not intend to be redundant. i do not actually have an imaginary friend named extreme kyle (or any imaginary friends, it's kinda sad). thus, he does not exist.

i learned today that shy is selfish. shy is selfish, people!

i don't believe in regrets

i love breakfast, i'm in love with breakfast, i've been waiting my whole life for something like breakfast, and i'm not going to let it go.

due to a very foolish trick i played on my friends last night (not telling them they had walked well past the point where they needed to take a left turn to head over to georgetown) we ended up at a grocery store. this allowed us to buy some truly tasty food. what really impressed me were the "energy bars." these are not normal energy bars. they're in the baked goods section, along with the bagels, and are filled with (as best i can tell/figure) raisins, currants (maybe), apples, and perhaps some nuts or something else. there's a hint of cinnamon and an excellent texture. so very tasty. now, go find me some more of those.

15 ways to avoid eating breakfast

i made the mistake yesterday of buying not only a muffin with some frightening goo in the middle, but also of assuming that said muffin and fancy juice in a plastic bottle would cost me less than $6. i was at the airport, so prices are bound to be ridiculous, but fortunately the muffin was so smashed in my carry-on that i just ate around the cream cheese-esque filling. the juice was from the front of the fridge - another mistake - and not particularly cold.

as it ended up, that was the only thing i ate all day other than a black bean salad. at 10pm, starving, i was given an energy bar. i lay awake for hours wishing i'd eaten dinner.

the perils of reading

since i am in the middle of moving, i thought it would be a fantastic idea to check about 20 lbs of nonfiction books out of the library. thus, in the past several days, i have read four new volumes, or parts of them. i keep leaving them in odd places like under my desk at work, and yet there are always more to choose from. now, if only i enjoyed the other 16 books i have out from the library so much.

better than it might sound

after calling tom (who may not use that nickname anymore) to discuss my rejection letter from cal state, i reread it. there's some odd language regarding my failure to qualify for the program, but other than that it's praise and encouragement. they even told me to apply again if i'm still interested. i'd missed that the first time through. it can be so painful to read rejections, but of course this one doesn't read like most of them. maybe like writers are nicer people or something, but no poli sci program that rejected me ever said something like that. one time a major tech firm rejected me but hedged with 'your interest in software did not go unnoticed by the recruiter.' so yeah, they told me to try applying again as well. i had said earlier that i probably don't deserve to get into an mfa program considering the effort i've put in. that's probably the wrong way to put it. considering how early i am in my development, the whole letter thing isn't that bad.

so so awesome

one of the best days i can remember here. too hard to explain all the things, so a few, mostly irrelevant, things i did today.

-participated in a team dance competition, avoided completely embarrassing myself, and our team won

-got some serious encouragement regarding my irrational desire to attend oregon when i can get into much higher-ranked programs

-saw an old man staring, standing completely still, at a couple dudes eating dinner in a restaurant.

-ate pumpkin ravioli

-wore a wristwatch. i rarely do this.

-played urban capture the flag

-drank soda from one of those gigantic bowl-like mugs

-spent a good deal of time in my new neighborhood, and greatly enjoyed it

21st century diary

reading a magazine which styles itself rather futuristically, i was impressed by this one little word highlighted in blue. i immediately thought, 'oh, i should follow that link.' magazines don't have hypertext links. so why the heck should they use the visual language of a web page that does?

i'm still looking

it's not very often you come home after an evening with friends and realize you've had yellow wax stuck to your face all night. we have these massive new candles, and i thought i'd do the right thing and blow them out before leaving the apartment. well, the first try didn't go so well; the candle went out and hot wax sprayed everywhere. i just hadn't realize my face took some of the damage.

my roommate brought home some odd but very cool shelves a few weeks ago, one red and one white. they're rectangles, except they're designed as if the sharp points of the corners have been cut off. the effect is futuristic, but futuristic as envisioned some time ago. i can't quite place them temporally. of course, i had to shoot some photos of the shelves, none of which came out quite right. a day later, they had stuff on them and my window of opportunity had passed.

tonight i came very close to blurting out the fact that i'd dreamed about a girl. a specific girl. who i don't know very well. i've heard that when you dream about someone it means you like them; i'm sure there is not a one-to-one correspondence there, but it's accurate this time. so i have a crush on a million odd girls and one of them pops up in a dream. probably about all that'll come of it. i'm being honest, nothing more.

the guessing game

since the portable music device is looking more and more to have fallen completely out of the picture (aka time to budget out a major purchase again), i've been listening as usual lately to internet radio. i've discovered maybe some groups worth a second look, but what i'm more interested in right now is proving my ability to recognize singers whose work i do not own. today i got two:

-jolie holland (i've owned two tracks by her)

-maria taylor (saw her in concert a year ago and 'a good start' was once one of the most-played tracks on the missing device)


so maybe i'm not that awesome after all, but it's not like i'm going to be able to recognize parks and recreation after hearing one song of theirs.

songs of the week, wk 20

-'la femme d'argent'

-'the birds start talking english'

-'black water child'


considering the 'breadth' of music i've been listening to lately, it's somewhat surprising that there isn't more crazy newness going on here. maybe it's just taking time to sink in. hard to put a jenny owen youngs song up here when i can't remember what she sounds like.

it didn't take

there have been a few occasions recently when i've thought 'where's my red hat,' and only later realized the answer is 'in the pantry with the rest of the food.' for at least a month and a half, the hat was wrapped up in a plastic bag on my food shelf, because it had a lollipop stuck to the side. i'd been eating the rather tasteless lollipop and thought 'what would this do to my hat if i stuck it to the side?' of course, it stuck on well, but once i took it off and cleaned the hat, there were no lasting effects. it would have been interesting if the dye of the hat had somehow reacted to the sugar, but that really isn't something you'd expect to happen.

a few of the shinier things

since i have to move out of my apartment, i figured i should describe a few of the things i'll miss:

-roommates, that's natural, but we've got some special ones here. one makes you laugh by even appearing during 'waking hours' on a weekday; one of them is a graphic designer and photographer, which has led more than a few acquaintances to ask if i'm the graphic designer in the apt; and generally they're all cool and kind and fun.

-couches, which i was afraid of for a great many months (we had none when i moved in, and the office chairs in the living room were comfortable). there's not much better than watching tv in the dark on the couches here.

-refrigerator, which is faux wood paneled...or is that real...

-wind chimes that echo from somewhere nearby. makes sitting or sleeping on the couch late at night a great time even with no tv.

-biggest loft ever, which is more of a treehouse/fort/awesome land of solitude, and which i have equipped with a charming mini theater.

-front porch, on which to make phone calls in the rain in a damp hoodie. delightful.

helping reality compete

i used to own a skateboard with 14 wheels. each is similar to what you'd see on an inline skate, and seven are mounted at each end of the board on curved rail-like trucks. the reason i bought it was that it was supposed to mimic the experience of snowboarding, but on dry pavement. another big factor was that it was short enough to carry on an airplane. while it did go to japan with me, the skateboard was so awful to ride that the transportability quickly became irrelevant. while nearly useless as a method of transportation, the skateboard was an amazing conversation starter. probably eighty percent of people who rode in an elevator with me while i had the board asked about it. my longboard drew far less attention. one time a group of people in florida talked to me because of the longboard, but that was because i had yellow hair and they were amused at the fact that they'd seen me on it earlier in the day and here i was staying in their hotel. the fourteen-wheeled skateboard's best moment might have been the time a pack of teenaged skateboarders saw me carrying it (it's much better than having to ride the thing) and stopped me because they wanted to try it out. one of them did some nice kick flips and the like, then took a picture with me and the board.

at this point, however, the skateboard's most powerful legacy is its message - 'helping reality compete.' that was one of several slogans i scrawled on the bottom of it, and the most significant one right now (maybe later we'll talk about 'buy japanese,' but i can't see 'surfers for sun' being much more than a joke i write on my things to make them a little more 'mine'). when i was writing and thinking about 'reality' back then, i believed in the idea that it's important to engage your actual life. i still believe that, or i wouldn't be thinking about this, but i find myself struggling to accept the actuality of my life. lately i have made some real positive moves that have given me exciting options for my future. however, i've spent a lot of time drowning myself in escapist pasttimes, mostly watching television and also reading. the literature situation isn't so bad, perhaps. part of the whole point is to read a lot so that i'll know more about writing. this goal encourages me to stick to material that's got some style or substance to it - clever or insightful, not just entertaining. i think, though, that given my overall dissatisfaction with my actual life, reading runs the danger of being simply a more engaging form of evasion. for some reason though, i'm just scared right now. i'm scared about moving and how i'll adapt; i'm scared when i think that i might be saying no to school again, but i really just need to stand up a little more to the scariness and try not to hide under a blanket of distractions.

songs of the week, wk 19

-'kicking the heart out'

-'alone in kyoto'

-'tears for affairs'

i think i may have permanently lost my portable music player. that's not as bad this past week as it might have been a few months ago, since my favorite internet radio is working for me again at the office.

skipping bdb since 2007

in terms of my musical taste, i have to admit i'm easily influenced by criticisms i hear, but the influence wears off if i'm deeply commmitted to an artist. for some reason, it didn't take much to turn me off badly drawn boy. i think somebody saw him live and it wasn't that great. fact is, i like maybe 5% of his songs that i've heard, and i like them a lot, but i just can't stand a lot of what he's done. when he pops up on the internet radio, i am usually inclined to skip.

massive rally against unnecessary clothing

i've got to move again in about 10 days, and i'm thinking that any clothing i haven't worn in 2 years has got to go. it's pretty sad sometimes to think about what it means to be an american. i have a tuxedo, which was a kind gift. i envision no occasion to which i would wear a tuxedo. there are a couple pair of track pants in my possession, one of which i tend to feel i can't wear very much because they're very clean. the other pair has been around a while and paid its dues. i have a pair of sweats i wear only to softball games. these are rather old, i think my parents got them for me in high school, so part of the problem here is that i've retained too many things, not just that i have purchased too many things. still, while the sweats barely reach my ankles, if i'd had to economize, they render both pair of track warmups unnecessary. i do attempt to purchase things from second hand shops because it's affordable and a good environmental decision, but the thing that persists is the desire to acquire more. it's kinda sad.

we all crave choices

or i do, at least. on a day when i'm feeling somewhere between awful and awesome, having stayed home from church with an unnerving continuance of the mysterious malaise/illness that's plagued me all week, i feel somewhat obligated to contemplate a bit. in the past year or two, my habits and hobbies have changed a good deal. i've been on the job market, though not in a consistently active manner, for nearly a year and a half. i am in the early stages of proving that, while i possess skills that seem irresistible to university staff who take the time to interview me, i have little chance of getting one of those interviews from an institution that's in a different locale than i am. in the year since i nearly quit my current job, i have come into favor with the leadership, ensuring impeccable references when i do make up my mind to move on. that's an empowering thought; i can leave with a decent level of support, because even if i'm not moving on to anything definite, they know that now is a good time to broaden myself. if i'm going to just move away with no prospects in immediate sight, i can make the argument that it's time to branch out, and they'll understand. i've also wrangled things such that i have the option of going to school in the fall. hooray. for now, however, i'm just waiting to see what options i do have for school. i'm not at all convinced i will choose to go, but i'm totally loving the fact that i have that option.

bake sell

i was excited this morning to find out there was a bake sale on the 3rd floor. one of my coworkers quickly roused me for the journey downstairs, and we arrived while the prices were still being set. i bought a couple cupcakes and a slice of cake, figuring it didn't really matter how much i spent to support a good cause. upon returning to my desk to begin eating, i read the actual email announcement and found out i was supporting someones' r&r fund. what?

songs of the wk, wk 18

-'roads'

-'the pageant of the bizzarre'

-'alpha beta gaga'


i found a bunch of my favorite cds, all of which i thought had disappeared forever. i'd really been hating the fact that i might have to buy them all over again.

cause for celebration

good news today. hooray!

songs of the week, wk 17

-'your place'

-'one evening'

-'green arrow'


a funny thing happened to me this week: after my roommate had advised me that the best thing to do was generate options for my future, all of a sudden i had a whole bunch of options i'd never expected to be there. part of it was due to long hours of preparation and waiting for the right opportunity. there was also some unexpected surprises that likewise were only good surprises because of longstanding efforts to adapt. things do flower at certain moments, or seem to, but there's a lot of work behind those momentous accidents.

no more move

i found out this morning that, much as i had feared, the sweet new apartment fell through. not sure what my would-have-been roommates are doing, but i am disappointed. it's hard to get all psyched up to move, even if it's in the same city, and not have things go through. i suppose the fact that i've been through this before makes it easier; at least this wasn't a change in job/geographical location that i thought would go through and didn't.

songs of the week, wk 16

-'late'

-'give it away'

it's worth mentioning that i liked ben folds a lot back when he first came to prominence getting radio airplay and everything. i have to say, although i waited in line for ever and ever to get prime seats to see him live when he played campus, i hadn't heard a lot of his stuff since those first couple of albums. it's good to know i'm still a fan, actually, because i've gotten sick of a lot of things. maybe it helps that i haven't actively been listening to his music for a decade or however long it's been.

calm down again

i have some sort of obsession with doing things that other people wouldn't do. this is going to be hard to explain, because it's not like this is always going on with me; i swear half the time at least i'm just being myself. however, i caught myself earlier today thinking about some sort of hypothetical situation. after trying to puzzle over what i would do, i just thought, 'well, i hope that's different than what most people would try.' i have no memory of what it even was, but somehow my competitive streak combines with this desire to be different. it's not even necessary; odd ideas and actions seem to come naturally enough. apparently some of the funniest stuff i say is when i'm not joking at all. so if everyone's like this, how do we ever differentiate ourselves? it's easy to be like the one who wears shirts inside-out, but what if you had to be like the guy who only does that on opposite thursdays that have a record high temperature? see, everyone else would be pulling all this weird stuff too, and you'd have to outdo them. it shouldn't be a competition; i mean, maybe i need to take up some type of sport again. i could invent something, like something completely ridiculous, or just compete at something no one cares about. meanwhile, it's time to get back to normal. i have to stop leaving my roommates' parties early and reading in my bedroom. no more staying home on fridays to watch endless episodes of the same tv show. i'm done with this. i'm going to watch a bunch of foreign films and maybe go to a concert for like some rock band that gets played on the radio. maybe i'll apply to business school. oh, and ok, wanna know the big secret? i applied to four grad programs already this year.

realizing sunset is beginning

i found this wristband yesterday. the kind that you use to wipe sweat off your forehead. i'd completely forgotten i owned it, but as recently as the Christmas break i was wearing it day and night. weird how that goes. found a t-shirt recently that i keep losing. it's a voxtrot shirt; part of my brilliant plan to be more transparent. 'i listen to indie stuff!' ok, now i know what to put on the next t-shirt.

if there's nothing else

songs i have heard too many times on internet radio:


'as young as you feel'

'rose colored times'

'rosebush inside'

'sanguine'

'one great city!'


i heard 3 of these in my first forty minutes of listening this am. you know they're abusing their power when they take something you liked the first time and play it every single day, sometimes more than once, until you realize it wasn't that great of a song to begin with. what's the problem with maybe every classic rock station in existence? playlist is too shallow. well, same problem will kill anything, so when it's internet radio based on my 'choices,' that's bad. i am gonna have to only set up stations for stuff i don't care about. i've still gotta like it, just stuff that isn't dear to my heart and that i don't own.

3 ideas:

interpol

shearwater

rilo kiley

all messed up again

somewhere in the past few days, i got it into my head that i needed a new haircut. not the kind that you get just anywhere, the kind that says 'not only did i do this myself, i have no idea why i thought i could pull it off.' the weird part is, i saw one of my friends afterwards and she didn't say a thing. not sure if it was out of politeness or what, but it didn't make a lot of sense to me that she missed it.

that taste

i'm satisfied, deeply satisfied in a way that i haven't felt in some time. i got my applications in for grad school. i knew i'd be relieved; what i wasn't expecting was the sense of accomplishment. i wonder at the powers that worked against me, those internal hesitations, failures of resolve that stood in my way. i've been here before, and it was never this hard. sure, i always got behind, but i pulled everything together and maybe i'll have some options come this fall. i sincerely hope next year goes more smoothly. i may have to start now; well, if i start now that's really going to make it easy. eventually i'll get this down; like when you've been to so many job interviews you know how to play the game the right way. ok, i'll admit it - when it comes to that sort of thing, the confidence really comes when i know more than just what types of questions to expect. when i know i really can do the job, there's a sense of complete confidence that kicks in. i think maybe it's just a communication thing. when they explain themselves clearly enough to me that i know what i'm getting into and how i can fit their expections, i'm more likely to be able to get my point across as well. why is it that we can all accept jobs but shy away from relationships? oh, the whole financial incentive thing...that's gotta be it. i'm pretty sure i'd be unemployed if i could afford it. i mean, if i could afford it in perpetuity.

finally, a song i'll listen to daily and smile

Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:59:49 -0600 (CST)
From: Your internet radio station (make list)
Subject: Happy Valentine's Day
To:

Dear Listener,

You have earned the following Valentine's Day reward:

One (1) stream of 'Island in the Sun.'

We hope you enjoy this song as much as we do. We hope you have the opportunity this Valentine's Day to spend some quality time with your family and friends.

Love, The internet radio station you created

PS - We may or may not play this daily, don't get your hopes up.

everyday concoctions: fruit punch hot chocolate

ingredients:
hot chocolate powder - 1 package
fruit punch - 1 part
hot water - 4 parts


directions:
add water and fruit punch to cup. stir in hot chocolate powder. mix until fully dissolved.


tastes:
like liquid cherry chocolates, probably cheap ones. for better taste, i suggest reducing the fruit punch to water ratio. i used somewhat lukewarm water, which was a bad idea considering the fruit punch started out cold. i did share with the sink, which seemed to appreciate my generosity.

up against another wall

for some reason, every time i come to a key decision about moving on or staying here, i seem to start out with a definite conviction of what i want to do. after that, it seems i get completely lost and confused as if i'd never made up my mind in the first place. that's exactly what's going on right now, and i'm two days past my deadline. what is going on here? if i had a better sense of the future, it would be easier to figure this out...but no one knows what's going on. will the economy prevent easy job transfers for a couple of years? will something better come along in months? once again, i'm totally lost. i suppose i have an innate fear of making a big mistake that leads me to have this incredible difficulty sticking with a decision.

regression

without realizing the odd coincidence of it, i went out today for some hard core library-sitting, wearing the sort of prep all-star outfit i used to wear to the library in college. you know, khakis (the same ones, actually), sport coat, untucked dress shirt. i even ironed the dress shirt. i was thinking about how ridiculous that was - i just ironed a shirt so i can go to the library. so was some subconscious trigger set off that told me to dress the part, or is it just another chapter in the endless random act of being myself? i'll leave the philosophizing to others.

playlists

i've had it with this streaming radio stuff. i keep trying to make a decent custom station, so i can have my own station that only plays stuff i like. the playing stuff i like part is getting better. the playing the same thing over and over again isn't. is there a reason i want to listen to one song by don peris over and over again but nothing else from him? or the innocence mission?

trying times

tonight, we attempt to answer a question:

can a computer be used to accomplish anything of cultural or personal significance?



so far, the answer is no.

what has cold water done for you?

neighbor: 'all of you young kids never complain'


hey, we've been accused of worse

the hot water didn't work at all this morning. i was running too late to really care - cold water may have saved me.

montana

should it be all that surprising that this was the last state i thought of when i had to try writing down a list of the 50 states? i was in a race against two of my friends, and came in third, but i didn't mind. some things you're simply glad you made it to the finish line. i did think at one point 'what about that state with no speed limits?' but i got confused and was thinking it was north dakota that used to have no speed limit. it would be easier to remember the states if i had a better picture of the map of the country in my head. i started with the northeast and worked south, then west along the southern border of the country, and up the west coast. I did my best to make my way back east along the northern border, but at that point i was reverting to thinking of states i hadn't named yet. i got about 40 without really slowing from my methodical pace, but from there i had to think a lot before coming up with the remaining states. they mostly trickled in one by one. oh, iowa, of course! illinois,how is that not on there yet? i failed at this same task in high school, and it may well have been montana that tripped me up back then as well.

shopping day

those who know me well will not be surprised to hear it's taken me an awfully long time to replace my aging mobile phone. i have developed the idea that i really need to get one that's used or refurbished, so as to lessen the environmental impact of my purchase. having thoroughly researched phones, looked for good prices, missed opportunities to buy a few, i finally bought one today online. it won't show up for a while yet...but i realize i may be in for a big disappointment. i mean, maybe it'll be complete junk, and it just might be in almost as bad shape as my current phone...which is to say, the down key might not work all the time. there also could be loose panels, broken features, and who knows what else wrong with it.

i did not, however, buy the jacket my friend says makes me look like a supermodel. this is clearly a mistake. potentially, this purchase may have too much environmental and human rights impact for me to really feel good about it, but now i won't ever know what life as a supermodel is like. can i really have the experience of fashion/attractiveness excellence without paying the real price? no tiring photo shoots in embarrassing outfits, no annoying conversations with tv hosts who make awkward remarks about their unchaste feelings towards me, no otherworldly experiences with diet and exercise routines, no dating self-important stars from other walks of life, and no inane product endorsements to help grow the empire. all i get is the heart-melting visual presence of a supermodel. there is little doubt about this. i went online after returning home to find the jacket, and i actually look better in the jacket than the models on the site. i suppose the question that remains in my mind at this point is, 'how do i avoid letting this go to my head.'

vital signs

some people you walk past seem to catch your eye with a definite intent. i say 'seem to,' because a lot of the time i feel like you've happened across them in a certain frame of mind, like they were gazing out at the world with a look that meant something to no one other than themselves and you accidentally stumbled into it.

unintended consequences

tonight, instead of going to bed, i have been doing who knows what. in the meantime, i have used my computer as both a light and, unintentionally, a blanket-heater. it makes a decent heater. it's not great as a light. seeing by the light of the computer when it's up on the loft is tricky.

who am i kidding?

thought it would be good to write
reasons i exist despite
a lack of something significant
or persistence of woeful extravagance

i seem to find myself unengaged,
free of cares and sadly overaged
no kids to break my newest toys
or ask me to assemble theirs

i wonder why my meals are spent
distracted only by entertainment
some purpose to this type of existence?
just a cog and a lonely one

mere days separate me from other days
past photographs now seem a better reality
this isn't the life for which i'd planned
where's my wife and where's my minivan?

things i like about life

not sure why, but...i had to go outside to make a call, and i was really enjoying the fact that i would be wearing the sweatshirt i'd just used to wipe up the water i spilled...so delightfully ridiculous. so yeah, it didn't bother me once i was out there.

songs of the week, wk 12

-'distractions'

-'out of town'

-'my body is a cage'


on 'simple things,' zero 7 do a fantastic job of staying on the right side of the line between fluff and musical bliss. any group that uses jose gonzalez as a collaborator clearly knows their music. 'out of town' is so precariously close to something awful that it's a treat to enjoy its subtleties. the arcade fire get a spot this week thanks not to any romantic frustration of mine but to 'the diving bell and the butterfly,' which provides an entirely new context in which to appreciate the closing track of 'neon bible.'

so what if he has a wand

manager-to-manager question of the day:

"i don't think the wizard has that trender. do you think he does?"


yes, they were talking about work. when i'm in charge, everything we say all day long is going to sound like that.

out of something

monday i was out of town half the day, tuesday i found out i'd be headed out thurs for a day trip to puerto rico, and today i worked late. with all this coming and going, there is this interesting vibe going this week, where i feel like i'm living a rather different life than i usually do. maybe it was renting that quirky convertible, maybe it's reading hawthorne, but certainly it's been fun.

a little less glimmer

dear all mobile phone manufacturers,

blue-lit keys are just done. completely done. i'm sure there's a few people who still buy for that feature alone; try having one option for them at least. or three.

dug up for the day

i think a while ago i was almost going to see the high dials live. i'm thinking it's got something to do with the fact that they once opened for neko case. i'm guessing they'd be impressive live; from my recollection i didn't make it for the opener. that was much more ok than the time i didn't realize it was the elected who were the openers for the magic numbers. i missed half the elected's set and hated the magic numbers. i was interviewed and photographed for this piece, and i'm pretty sure my photo came out most awful. i'm guessing they spotted me in the crowd because i was wearing mj's old blue ski hat with double pom poms and the ear flaps that tie at the bottom. it sits way high on my head since it's so small; the effect is pretty comical.

that was so so easy

since my last post, i have applied for a job at a university registrar's office. i am going to keep doing this until i get an offer. perhaps i should consider other departments as well.

underheard

had a hilarious time at the store. ran into a friend who made fun of me for talking quietly about church by pretending i was talking really loudly. he shouted 'and i pay my tithing too' to illustrate how 'loud' i was being. his girlfriend heard from halfway across the store...when we walked over, she asked when we were going to stop embarrassing her. later, there was some joke about the $29.99 can of foie gras being such a good deal because the other one was $10 more. i said, pretty loudly, 'where's the vegan foie gras?' at some later point i got to saying all sorts of nonsense as if i really meant it, which really amused an old couple in the elevator. i'm not sure if they thought i was joking or not.

rooms

i just realized that for most of the past two years, i've been lucky to share a room with someone who happens to be on a fairly different sleep schedule that me. i sleep heavy, so it doesn't matter that the guys working late come home after i'm in bed; on most nights i won't even wake up. when i do, i fall asleep again immediately. sharing a room is a great way to save money; it's not easy all the time of course. funny thing is, i had a single room for a significant amount of time in college and my parents were concerned that i was going to miss out on the important life lessons to be had from living with a roommate. well, years later, i'm still living with roommates and sharing a bedroom even...and there seem to be plenty of lessons i have yet to master.

songs of the week, wk 11

-'the minaret'

-'century estates'

-'phantom limb'

-'father william'


i discovered some rather decent music in a lost corner of yesterday. fresh doesn't have to be new in the sense of newly acquired. this week, fresh was new in the sense of rediscovered. there was also a great song by the places that is motivating me to check out some more amy annelle once the budget allows. i was getting the places and the pieces mixed up, so the song totally blew me away in its subtlety and depth. don't get me wrong, the pieces deserve some song of the week some week, but their corner of yesterday is even more remote than the one that 'phantom limb' had inhabited.

advantage: mediocrity

let's say you have a wide range of interests but are not particularly skilled at anything. this may seem frustrating at times. it is, surprisingly, a real advantage in making the right friends. people who take interest in what you are trying to accomplish, and people who make sincere efforts to help are the ones you should befriend.

not so clever

one time i had this girl's email address from a message she'd sent to a large list of people. at the time, i wanted her phone number and was planning to ask her out. i wrote her and said:

"i find myself in rather desperate need of your phone number"

she gave it to me. i called her. when we went out, she asked:

"how did you get my email address?"

i'm not sure why i thought it made a difference whether i got her number by emailing her or some other way.

chaos

recently, my loft bed was equipped with a real mattress. i would tell interesting stories, but those take more time. as mattresses go, this one is fairly excellent. a couple things have resulted. one, thanks to my goal of reading more in the evenings, i have a comfortable place to lie down with a good book. two, increased comfort has affected my desire to get up in the mornings. three, less clearance between my bed and the ceiling makes sitting up an occasionally precarious action. four, retrieving objects from the far end of the bed has become much more difficult. five, at least one roommate can no longer see me when i'm up here; the angle is too steep now. needless to say, the bed has brought more change thus far than the vanderslice tracks. those are excellent; the bed scores lower on the scale of beds but higher on the scale of life impact.

email tips

don't close with:

"sincerest warmth"

part of my lunch

the cupcakes have had a short yet interesting life:

did you know you can't buy unlimited cupcakes in one go? co-worker learned the hard way:

"There was a 2 dozen limit, so first come, first served. Sorry, I asked to speak to the manager for an exception to the 2 dozen rule, and the cupcake-serving-woman said 'You’re speaking to her.'"

thus it was first-come, first-served cupcakes in the office this afternoon. we stood around eyeing them, waiting for someone to make a move. everyone was told they were just two flavors - chocolate and vanilla. it was a matter of appearance. i had my eye on the least colorful cupcake in the box, no one took it, but the words didn't quite come out the way i'd intended:

'i want this lonely cupcake that's the only one of its type'


i am banning myself from camera obscura for the rest of the day.

the best time of the half decade

i will say, presidential campaigns are sweet because, if nothing else, they provide a great way to buy union-made clothing. sure, maybe it costs a little more than usual, but some of the shirts are pretty clever. thank you, ron paul.

oh, btw, dennis kucinich: there's no point having a plain hoodie if you aren't putting a zip hoodie on as well.

hotel you

i heard a fantastic idea this weekend. for houseguests, possibly excluding family, charge $25 a night. it gives people something to think about - do they really want to spend the money - and potentially reduces your rent for the month. it's also a fairly reasonable fee. i think it works just as a way to make it more their decision whether they can commit to staying at your place. that might not make sense.

in other news, heard some antlers today and liked it. it was just one song. more to follow perhaps.