Post haste

the deranged monkey farm is almost operational

don't make the cars start driving themselves

people, fish, oxygen-deprived citrus fruits of the world:

there are simpler ways to solve your problems than attaching beep beep beep mechanisms to everything that moves. and no, i do not need flashing lights. maybe a nice root vegetable or two? turnip and a dashboard clock. makes about as much sense as a sonic death ray that's supposed to kill you before you slam into the next parked car.

just stop trying to do what the other people are doing. yes, there's this nice line of four-wheeled objects squirmed as close as possible to the curb, but that means very little. it does not mean you are obligated, invited, recommended, or even permitted to flatten the vanillaberry milkshakes others have been carefully cooling by the roadside.

because what good is desert without a show?

Don't tell the worm farmers

It's almost impossible to get decent soil these days. First you have the ever expanding olive oil lakes, then there's the commuters and their cheese skis, and the worst thing is the way everyone is banging chili peppers into the soil all the time. It's like for real there used to e this deep dark delicious mess under us and now it's a sticky, smeary, firework-spicy disaster.

Can someone just mail me a new box of cookies?

glub glub

everyone wonders when the orange juice is gonna be drunk, but the truth is the orange juice has already been drunk.

pretzel attack

some of us are twisted. you had better watch it.

the rules

we received a complaint about our curtains. having stood on the sidewalk attempting to blindly throw snowballs at my roommate on the third-floor balcony, it surprises me that people can see our curtains. the curtains are taller than my roommate, however. perhaps one of the neighbors drove by in a double-decker bus.

don't get confuded

zere are many places that sell disposable apes, but far fewer that offer the disposable toucan.