Thursday, June 25, 2009

ranch hands

do you ever feel ten years older than the calendar states, or four years into a bad thing? is it worth choosing your place in the world if you don't know what you actually want? much can be made about the power of choice, but most people have a limited range of options that are even conceivable. how does one say that an opportunity has been realized or missed when so many are out there unknown? there is no point in arguing with yourself, and little reason to question many of the decisions that seem important in life. i tell myself these things on nights when the noise in my own head drowns out all possible distractions. i read to myself, in my head, leave the light on in the hall, and tell myself it's all right. occasional thoughts creep out of bed and up through that lit hall to join me at the dining room table over a magazine. nighttime can be the best time to read as so little is happening that everything takes on temporary meanings that offer clues to knowledge that stretches beyond the bounds of rational thought. the colors seep from the page to stain my fingers, and words echo softly in my own head. never give up on an experience that offers irreplaceable lessons. turn the pages until all logic has fled, the ink burning your fingers as it fades to nothing before your eyes. all that remains is you and a blank page, your nose a dancer that cuts mountains of parchment into pastures for a new frontier. you could stop any second, but the weight of the hours pushes you ever onward.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

cleaning the fridge

how do you make 3/4 of a pound of butter disappear in one evening? one way is to make two separate brownie recipes for your roommates, which was incredibly fun. i had been thinking about making brownies for a few days, and it was easy to find recipes i liked. i guess i wanted to challenge myself a bit, so i had the idea to make two separate recipes back to back. i originally thought i should try two very similar ones, but instead i made a cake brownie and a more fudgelike brownie recipe. both were cocoa powder-based, so my pound of dark chocolate is still available for future use.

i made the cake brownies first, and quickly realized that recipe was much easier to make than the second one. while, i melted my butter in the microwave for the cake brownie recipe, the second recipe had me stirring it with the cocoa powder and sugar over a double boiler. i was supposed to use my finger to test the temperature, and take it off the heat when it was so hot i could barely stand it. i eyeballed it instead, and i would prefer to see temperatures listed, since i'm not experienced enough to estimate what temperature they're indicating.

one roommate ate so many of the cake brownies that he had to consider his health and declined to try the second batch. since the sugar and butter content is similar and the cake-like recipe produces 2x the volume of brownies, he isn't as bad off as he could have been. in the end, i think the two recipes are so different that it's tough to vote for one. it is now up to the roommates to decide.

Friday, June 19, 2009

so long

i hate confronting my destiny, because it requires too much effort. for one thing, i do not like shaking hands with abstract concepts, significant as they may be. i have also found that my destiny is not a good companion at the ballgame, on a scenic cruise, or even when devouring a twenty-dollar ice cream sundae. in fact, the only times i enjoy with my destiny are when we take quiet time alone to walk on the beach. in opposite directions.

Monday, June 15, 2009

quotation marks

for a long time, i have failed to provide updates regarding certain things i have done.

foods eaten:
chocolate macadamia things
pizza i made, in two varieties
leftover pizza i made
store-brand frosted wheat bundles
delicious pasta dish

books read:
something i don't care to mention

movies viewed:
my super ex-girlfriend
the fast and the furious: tokyo drift
(i realize it makes no sense that i watched this and not the one in theaters, but it was free)
rumor has it
(has anyone seen this? please provide a review)
the king of california
henry poole is here
(a real luke wilson trend going on)

television finales skipped, ignored, or delayed viewing:
prison break
(ok i watched half but it was last wk)
terminator: tscc
(i'll be angry if the last few episodes aren't online any longer)
lie to me
(this was a show i mostly watched when i ran out of other shows to catch up on; clearly i have a long ways to go before i get back to it)
30 rock

items purchased that had to be returned due to defects:
awesome shorts
bag of carrots
cell phone
(imagine going a week and a half with no phone, receiving your phone in the mail, and finding the delete key doesn't work. i tried five times to write a one-sentence text and couldn't without making mistakes, which were uncorrectable)
*laptop (purchased 'as is,' which means i get to acquire more computer repair experience)

watery locales visited:
asateague isle-and
ocean city
gravelly point

music acquired:
jenny owen youngs
tara jane o'neil
st. vincent

bags of flour used:
1 and counting

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

i don't expect you to return

i've been going through your letters one by one, and i can't figure it out. there was something, way back when we were talking more, that possibly gave an indication of ideas entering your head that i know i had not put there. i think that the main problem is, you've always been resistant to my way of doing things. it may have been three, four, or any number of years back that you started on this path. you may like where you're headed. i cannot control that, and you know that i wish i could. i've always had this idea in my head, sort of an overarching theory of how things are supposed to be. life isn't always about journeys or possibilities or achievements or even about wanting to get up in the morning. yes, if those were the things by which you measured your life, i'm sure you would have left me some time ago. what you have to remember is that part of the glory in all this is the ability to say, to know, that you have your ducks in a row. you need to be out there, you have to breathe the same air with the rest of us and walk in our shoes, you have to believe that there's nothing you'll find alone that i wouldn't have been able to give you if you'd fallen in.

so, while you're away, i hope you discover something, and maybe i can even pray a little that you'll bring it back. do you have a new color, a leaf, or some particularly interesting rock that you might be able to add to the body of knowledge you've obtained under my care? were you expecting smells that could take you away from this life? i wouldn't begin to attempt to expound upon the many ways in which you could have deluded yourself, but i can tell you this: i don't expect your return. no, we've got things pretty well in order even without you. in fact, don't be surprised one morning if you wake up and find us outside your door. yeah, that one is coming. so's the other hundred or so you can almost picture in your dreams. all of them. a little scratch at night, a flickering from just outside your range of vision. someone stumbles in the alley. smoke seems to mark the limits of your imagination, hanging over the city as your mind grows blank. we don't have to go get you, because we're already everywhere.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

summer of yikes

at this point, almost everything electronic of mine has broken in the past three months. i guess i need to start taking more pictures so my camera can break, completing the cycle. is this going to turn me into a one-person equivalent of some lost civilization that loses advanced technology over the years? three years from now, i will be communicating solely via the mail.