Sunday, February 25, 2007

my moment in the sun

yesterday, my roommates wanted to go downtown and see the sights a little. what we ended up seeing was a few kids skateboarding, the inside of a chain restaurant where we paid twice the price one would pay anywhere else in the country, and a discount store where we went shopping for several hours. the next thing i know, we get home at 9pm and we've gotta head out immediately to hit up this party. i end up talking to a lot of people there, but i get really excited when i have the chance to talk to this one girl who's good friends with my roommate, because i think she's cool and she actually likes at least one of the bands i saw in concert last year. so because of the fact that my day consisted mostly of shopping, i end up talking about that particular subject a little too much. i think it might be easy for me to come off as a total idiot if i get stuck on the wrong topic, such as discount shopping. i'm much better off if i can get people to talk about iran or something, where i can use big words and sound intelligent. at least that way, i know that people who think i'm an idiot aren't worth befriending. the best moment of the evening was later on at someone's birthday party, where i am one of the last to show up. most people are gone and we're sitting around talking, when i suddenly hit a balloon so that it falls directly on the icing of one of the cakes. when i go to pick it up, i do it so quickly that some icing is flung to the floor, making a bigger mess. then i take the balloon over to the sink where i attempt to slowly deflate it. instead, i suddenly make it pop, sending icing all over the wall behind the kitchen sink. the host makes everything better by insisting that this act makes him quite glad indeed to have me there.

Saturday, February 17, 2007


sheer carelessness and a failure to fully grasp the importance of the fact that our unprotected kitchen window was right by the fire escape led to a valentine's day burglary at my new place. since i just moved to a nicer neighborhood, many people find it ironic that i was robbed at the new place. there were bars on the window by the fire escape at the old place, you know. a recently purchased (used) game system and 1.5 yr old portable computer were taken from me. i haven't fully grasped the importance of everything that was lost, but 6k photos seem to represent the greatest loss. i had been planning to use a number of my self portraits in an upcoming video project, as a fun intro sequence, but that's not happening now. i suppose this is going to kill any pretensions of applying to a photography program this year.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

soliciting advice

the fork in the road came but it's really the end. the branch fell when you tried to climb that tree. the hole in the ground filled in with earth before you could escape. i can't figure it out, maybe you can. maybe none of us can figure it out. maybe it's not worth figuring out. i have a choice: i can stay where i am and persist in my bizzare, enlightening dance with misery. i can go somewhere else and hope everything is magically better. maybe everything should be magically better. maybe it's not magic, it's the fact that i don't want to be where i am and that i've been planning my escape since i got here. i'm just not sure this is the escape route i want to take. meanwhile, if the oxygen has held out for 12 months, it can hold another 6. all signs point to yes.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

maybe it's not important at all

if you go back and forth daily or every few days or every week about a major decision, shouldn't that mean you are ok going in either direction? i find it difficult to say whether i am really that concerned with the choice i am making now; i have 2 definite options and 1 i might be allowed to take. that's the one i really want, and not because it's unsure; it's the one i had my heart set on from the outset. between the other two, it's harder. there are pros and cons of course, but unlike the 3rd, unsure option, i am not ready to say "i wholeheartedly accept the negatives of this situation because i know i want the positives."

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

i'm wondering when the light will come down

this week is beautiful. it contains the beauty of pure unbridled pressure, shot from every direction at once, flooding my life. not only have i had the privilege of weighing all my major life decisions at once, the ones that always weigh in the balance are heaving their way into the fray directly. all variables affect the others, all answers have to come soon, all shapes of the soon-to-be coalesce into one. for reaons i cannot fully explain, this transition is a shining model for all the others. it screams from its perch: "oh, yes, you'd better be thinking about all of this, you were never wrong to consider me, never." vindication has come, for the decisions it seemed i was delaying have always been the colors that made the true picture i fashioned of what lay before me.