no more move

i found out this morning that, much as i had feared, the sweet new apartment fell through. not sure what my would-have-been roommates are doing, but i am disappointed. it's hard to get all psyched up to move, even if it's in the same city, and not have things go through. i suppose the fact that i've been through this before makes it easier; at least this wasn't a change in job/geographical location that i thought would go through and didn't.

songs of the week, wk 16

-'late'

-'give it away'

it's worth mentioning that i liked ben folds a lot back when he first came to prominence getting radio airplay and everything. i have to say, although i waited in line for ever and ever to get prime seats to see him live when he played campus, i hadn't heard a lot of his stuff since those first couple of albums. it's good to know i'm still a fan, actually, because i've gotten sick of a lot of things. maybe it helps that i haven't actively been listening to his music for a decade or however long it's been.

calm down again

i have some sort of obsession with doing things that other people wouldn't do. this is going to be hard to explain, because it's not like this is always going on with me; i swear half the time at least i'm just being myself. however, i caught myself earlier today thinking about some sort of hypothetical situation. after trying to puzzle over what i would do, i just thought, 'well, i hope that's different than what most people would try.' i have no memory of what it even was, but somehow my competitive streak combines with this desire to be different. it's not even necessary; odd ideas and actions seem to come naturally enough. apparently some of the funniest stuff i say is when i'm not joking at all. so if everyone's like this, how do we ever differentiate ourselves? it's easy to be like the one who wears shirts inside-out, but what if you had to be like the guy who only does that on opposite thursdays that have a record high temperature? see, everyone else would be pulling all this weird stuff too, and you'd have to outdo them. it shouldn't be a competition; i mean, maybe i need to take up some type of sport again. i could invent something, like something completely ridiculous, or just compete at something no one cares about. meanwhile, it's time to get back to normal. i have to stop leaving my roommates' parties early and reading in my bedroom. no more staying home on fridays to watch endless episodes of the same tv show. i'm done with this. i'm going to watch a bunch of foreign films and maybe go to a concert for like some rock band that gets played on the radio. maybe i'll apply to business school. oh, and ok, wanna know the big secret? i applied to four grad programs already this year.

realizing sunset is beginning

i found this wristband yesterday. the kind that you use to wipe sweat off your forehead. i'd completely forgotten i owned it, but as recently as the Christmas break i was wearing it day and night. weird how that goes. found a t-shirt recently that i keep losing. it's a voxtrot shirt; part of my brilliant plan to be more transparent. 'i listen to indie stuff!' ok, now i know what to put on the next t-shirt.

if there's nothing else

songs i have heard too many times on internet radio:


'as young as you feel'

'rose colored times'

'rosebush inside'

'sanguine'

'one great city!'


i heard 3 of these in my first forty minutes of listening this am. you know they're abusing their power when they take something you liked the first time and play it every single day, sometimes more than once, until you realize it wasn't that great of a song to begin with. what's the problem with maybe every classic rock station in existence? playlist is too shallow. well, same problem will kill anything, so when it's internet radio based on my 'choices,' that's bad. i am gonna have to only set up stations for stuff i don't care about. i've still gotta like it, just stuff that isn't dear to my heart and that i don't own.

3 ideas:

interpol

shearwater

rilo kiley

all messed up again

somewhere in the past few days, i got it into my head that i needed a new haircut. not the kind that you get just anywhere, the kind that says 'not only did i do this myself, i have no idea why i thought i could pull it off.' the weird part is, i saw one of my friends afterwards and she didn't say a thing. not sure if it was out of politeness or what, but it didn't make a lot of sense to me that she missed it.

that taste

i'm satisfied, deeply satisfied in a way that i haven't felt in some time. i got my applications in for grad school. i knew i'd be relieved; what i wasn't expecting was the sense of accomplishment. i wonder at the powers that worked against me, those internal hesitations, failures of resolve that stood in my way. i've been here before, and it was never this hard. sure, i always got behind, but i pulled everything together and maybe i'll have some options come this fall. i sincerely hope next year goes more smoothly. i may have to start now; well, if i start now that's really going to make it easy. eventually i'll get this down; like when you've been to so many job interviews you know how to play the game the right way. ok, i'll admit it - when it comes to that sort of thing, the confidence really comes when i know more than just what types of questions to expect. when i know i really can do the job, there's a sense of complete confidence that kicks in. i think maybe it's just a communication thing. when they explain themselves clearly enough to me that i know what i'm getting into and how i can fit their expections, i'm more likely to be able to get my point across as well. why is it that we can all accept jobs but shy away from relationships? oh, the whole financial incentive thing...that's gotta be it. i'm pretty sure i'd be unemployed if i could afford it. i mean, if i could afford it in perpetuity.

finally, a song i'll listen to daily and smile

Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:59:49 -0600 (CST)
From: Your internet radio station (make list)
Subject: Happy Valentine's Day
To:

Dear Listener,

You have earned the following Valentine's Day reward:

One (1) stream of 'Island in the Sun.'

We hope you enjoy this song as much as we do. We hope you have the opportunity this Valentine's Day to spend some quality time with your family and friends.

Love, The internet radio station you created

PS - We may or may not play this daily, don't get your hopes up.

everyday concoctions: fruit punch hot chocolate

ingredients:
hot chocolate powder - 1 package
fruit punch - 1 part
hot water - 4 parts


directions:
add water and fruit punch to cup. stir in hot chocolate powder. mix until fully dissolved.


tastes:
like liquid cherry chocolates, probably cheap ones. for better taste, i suggest reducing the fruit punch to water ratio. i used somewhat lukewarm water, which was a bad idea considering the fruit punch started out cold. i did share with the sink, which seemed to appreciate my generosity.

up against another wall

for some reason, every time i come to a key decision about moving on or staying here, i seem to start out with a definite conviction of what i want to do. after that, it seems i get completely lost and confused as if i'd never made up my mind in the first place. that's exactly what's going on right now, and i'm two days past my deadline. what is going on here? if i had a better sense of the future, it would be easier to figure this out...but no one knows what's going on. will the economy prevent easy job transfers for a couple of years? will something better come along in months? once again, i'm totally lost. i suppose i have an innate fear of making a big mistake that leads me to have this incredible difficulty sticking with a decision.

regression

without realizing the odd coincidence of it, i went out today for some hard core library-sitting, wearing the sort of prep all-star outfit i used to wear to the library in college. you know, khakis (the same ones, actually), sport coat, untucked dress shirt. i even ironed the dress shirt. i was thinking about how ridiculous that was - i just ironed a shirt so i can go to the library. so was some subconscious trigger set off that told me to dress the part, or is it just another chapter in the endless random act of being myself? i'll leave the philosophizing to others.

playlists

i've had it with this streaming radio stuff. i keep trying to make a decent custom station, so i can have my own station that only plays stuff i like. the playing stuff i like part is getting better. the playing the same thing over and over again isn't. is there a reason i want to listen to one song by don peris over and over again but nothing else from him? or the innocence mission?

trying times

tonight, we attempt to answer a question:

can a computer be used to accomplish anything of cultural or personal significance?



so far, the answer is no.

what has cold water done for you?

neighbor: 'all of you young kids never complain'


hey, we've been accused of worse

the hot water didn't work at all this morning. i was running too late to really care - cold water may have saved me.

montana

should it be all that surprising that this was the last state i thought of when i had to try writing down a list of the 50 states? i was in a race against two of my friends, and came in third, but i didn't mind. some things you're simply glad you made it to the finish line. i did think at one point 'what about that state with no speed limits?' but i got confused and was thinking it was north dakota that used to have no speed limit. it would be easier to remember the states if i had a better picture of the map of the country in my head. i started with the northeast and worked south, then west along the southern border of the country, and up the west coast. I did my best to make my way back east along the northern border, but at that point i was reverting to thinking of states i hadn't named yet. i got about 40 without really slowing from my methodical pace, but from there i had to think a lot before coming up with the remaining states. they mostly trickled in one by one. oh, iowa, of course! illinois,how is that not on there yet? i failed at this same task in high school, and it may well have been montana that tripped me up back then as well.

shopping day

those who know me well will not be surprised to hear it's taken me an awfully long time to replace my aging mobile phone. i have developed the idea that i really need to get one that's used or refurbished, so as to lessen the environmental impact of my purchase. having thoroughly researched phones, looked for good prices, missed opportunities to buy a few, i finally bought one today online. it won't show up for a while yet...but i realize i may be in for a big disappointment. i mean, maybe it'll be complete junk, and it just might be in almost as bad shape as my current phone...which is to say, the down key might not work all the time. there also could be loose panels, broken features, and who knows what else wrong with it.

i did not, however, buy the jacket my friend says makes me look like a supermodel. this is clearly a mistake. potentially, this purchase may have too much environmental and human rights impact for me to really feel good about it, but now i won't ever know what life as a supermodel is like. can i really have the experience of fashion/attractiveness excellence without paying the real price? no tiring photo shoots in embarrassing outfits, no annoying conversations with tv hosts who make awkward remarks about their unchaste feelings towards me, no otherworldly experiences with diet and exercise routines, no dating self-important stars from other walks of life, and no inane product endorsements to help grow the empire. all i get is the heart-melting visual presence of a supermodel. there is little doubt about this. i went online after returning home to find the jacket, and i actually look better in the jacket than the models on the site. i suppose the question that remains in my mind at this point is, 'how do i avoid letting this go to my head.'

vital signs

some people you walk past seem to catch your eye with a definite intent. i say 'seem to,' because a lot of the time i feel like you've happened across them in a certain frame of mind, like they were gazing out at the world with a look that meant something to no one other than themselves and you accidentally stumbled into it.