since you asked

i'm sorry for the veiled threats about your imported rugs. i have always been a little bit jealous of your taste in home decorations, so you'll have to forgive me for making an analogy that suggested i might physically harm some of your favorite household treasures. it's just been one of those weeks for me. i had a few friends over last night and we were playing rummy in the driveway when i became aware of several small stains on the whitewall tires of my toy wagon. i generally don't keep toys around so that other people can make a mess of them, so i had to call the game while i investigated the situation. no one admitted to the crime, but i took their fingerprints anyway and called my favorite private detective. she was on vacation in detroit, visiting her sister's former butler, but her machine directed me to an agency i hadn't worked with before. they sent someone over right away. unfortunately, these businesses seem to be lowering their standards lately, as the individual who arrived in my driveway looked to be approximately seventeen and was wearing a german sweatsuit. i half expected a techno video to break out in my driveway while he looked around for evidence.

it was about an hour later that he finished up, and i have to admit, i got so bored that i wandered inside to make a watermelon smoothie with some freezer burned tropical ice cream. i generally try to avoid liquid desserts, but i find it refreshing to drink something new when i'm in a stressful situation. only halfway through the smoothie, i found myself looking for something more substantial and ended up devouring about half a packet of water crackers i had left on the sofa the night before. you know how it's impossible to match your cheese and cracker intake so that you run out of both at the same time? one of the reasons is that if you leave the crackers lying around the house, someone's bound to just eat them all...or, in the case of adolescent private detectives, take them back to the office in the hopes of getting a bored lab technician to share them and spill about some of the firm's more interesting clients. sure, ok, i'm just imagining that last part, but the fact is that the second half of the crackers turned up neither in my trash nor my stomach. i thought the point of avoiding fathering my own children was that i wouldn't while away my middle years wondering why my favorite foods could disappear with no explanation.

two hours later, i heard back and the investigator had failed to turn up any usable prints. it strikes me as elementary fingerprint science that you should be able to tell on site whether you have an actual print. after all, if you can't tell what is a print, how do you know what to take with you for further examination? i suppose the problem was really that the young hero who had stopped by my place was more interested in insect life or plant identification, and had simply gathered evidence of the wrong life forms. i can accept a phone call that says they couldn't tell which person was guilty, but please just give me a refund if you're investigating the wrong species.

the perils of moderation

is there a reason chocolate syrup comes in such a large container? i consider myself a fairly confident ice cream eater, and i probably add some syrup thirty percent of the time i have ice cream. i also use it on pancakes and other random foods, but it seems like my chocolate syrup is going nowhere fast. the good news is that it doesn't expire until either july 2110 or july 21 in 2010. it's hard to tell for sure.

when i recently discovered that my roommate was leaving town, taking his movie-streaming game-playing muh-sheen with him, i realized it was time to make my 'films to see shortly' list obsolete. taking a glance now at the allegedly unnecessary compendium, i see that i made little progress during his final hours in our presence. i think i am okay with that.

excess isn't always bad

when i look at the stars each night, sometimes i hope i'll see nothing. many people are annoyed by unpredictable behavior, whether it's their cable service, the post office, or coworkers that let them down. personally, i can't stand the knowledge that things will never change. the night sky just doesn't shift around enough for me to get excited about the emergence of this or that constellation. perhaps we could privatize the night sky. one of those hollywood firms could do something special with such a large canvas. i wouldn't even fast forward through the celestial commercials. consider that a promise.

last week, i discovered that my dog was allergic to termites. considering what they say about glass houses and the like, i figured it was time to finally throw out the futon. you want your furniture to give life to the apartment in a metaphorical sense. it really is downhill once that becomes a literal fact, and i don't care if you tell me i should be glad i don't have fleas. tomorrow i'll be over at your place revving your luxury convertible's engine in the driveway and drinking your seltzer. remember, it's always important to examine life from an optimistic perspective. you should be glad i won't be burning the ticker symbols of my favorite stocks into your persian rugs.

don't mention beets

i've never been able to convince myself that film was the industry for me. i met a studio executive once who insisted that each person's favorite scene was cut out of rented movies before they were delivered to their door. "it's a tier-based system, get used to it," she said, and i kept thinking there was more to that. i have a problem with people who insist that they understand things better than i do, although i realize this is a bit of an issue. of course, doctors have never worked well for me, as they go about in their stain-advertising outfits refusing to look you in the eye. i think in order for medical care to work for me, i would need to make a primary visit, take a few days to conduct some research on the diseases i'd been given, and go back with suggestions on my potential treatment. i guess, with my outlook on the world, life is more about forcing myself to learn than anything else. for all the efforts i had to make finding information about the film business, one might think i'd be able to explain how to raise funding or secure a distribution deal for an independent project. lisa tended to talk more about shellfish than celluloid, a habit i can forgive her for as she grew up in a coastal area and was immensely nostalgic. if it is our homes that make us who we are, i certainly have to thank her parents for avoiding areas of the country where more important foods are grown. food talk disgusts me, not in the moment so much as because i hate knowing about what i eat. can you imagine staying up past one, looking for information about pesticide technology, just so you can hold your own with a dirt-brain college student who just happens to be the son or daughter of professors who teach viola performance at an agricultural school?

one more switch

one roommate moved away forever today, and another flew off for a much-deserved vacation. there's a difference to the silence in the apartment this evening, but i have chosen to make the best of the situation by listening to tara jane o'neil while sitting in the dark. obviously, due to the presence of a brightly lit screen in the room, the darkness is far from total. it is interesting, however, how the partially illuminated innards of my former workplace stare more assertively towards me now. i can't remember being this sad to see a roommate go, but i suppose this event is a precursor to so many expected milestones over the next year or so that i can't watch it with my usual detachment. it's strange to be able to live in the same place more than once these days; how many people leave reluctantly only to sweep back in just before the automated license renewal comes in the mail? i have only had one permanent address here, and it's invalid come september.

the odd thing is how things of mine turn up at moments when i'm looking for something i actually need and have only temporarily misplaced. i can't locate the right t-shirt, but there are bottles of this or that sauce that definitely date back to my previous tenure. having abandoned them once, and finding that releasing my grip was not enough for the pull of the world to separate them from my life, i find it difficult now to dispose of even the most useless once-discarded items. things left by others while i was gone seem almost to be my own. i find myself inventing scenarios to explain a collection of ordinary objects, similar to but clearly not my own. it's not important that they are definitively mine, but more that a story exists that might link them to me, because i am supposed to know more about this place than any other. although i can think of reasons to stay, in truth i was the first to make definite plans to relocate. the others merely found it easier to pursue their own goals knowing my future was secure. i'm ready to leave the apartment, but i can imagine a day when habit brings me back, hopefully without the need to look back inside.

rumors abound

I have heard a few things lately. Hints of this movement in the populace, of trends washing ashore, or vacant spaces in our minds about to be occupied. The passing of one month is a chance to reflect, but shortened memory and the overwhelming nature of things these days requires that we all pause and consider what we have lost, and perhaps what will shortly disappear forever. We must stand motionless in the face of crossing currents, feeling for a brief minute that we know their number and aim. Occasionally, fate and design push us off the silent beach and we are left wandering again. Peace, as all things must, proves a temporary acquaintance and not the lifelong partner of anyone's dreams.

no, no, thank me

hey guys, matt ward here. thanks a million for coming out to my show; i hope you really enjoyed it. i have to take a minute here and say, i do enjoy showing up in town with a pile of completely beat up instruments and really throwing myself into a show. i'll admit, i have been trying to convince seltzer to get rid of that 2003 american p-bass, but some people are incorrigible. also, that is not my father on rhythm guitar; musicians should be able to enjoy long careers just like anyone else. while i've got you here, i thought i might explain a few things, since i've heard there were a few arguments on the way home over the show itself and some of the music we played. first off, i'm matt ward, and it's not like i'm going to just stride onstage and bang out the actual lead part on the first song. you see, my guitar is a big part of the act, and guitars don't always like to be played until they have a chance to warm up a bit, get the tenor of the audience, that sort of thing. you notice how we have to pay this guy to hug the guitar backstage during every song i'm not using it? so if you see me only gradually working my temperamental six-stringed associate into the music, don't think i'm some kinda ego maniac standing up there taunting you all by pretending i'm just going to wear a guitar around my neck all night. secondly, i hope you enjoyed my high tech 'virtual window' visuals. ok, ok, i'll just say it now - that was a quicktime movie - but seriously, to all your venues out there, be aware that i am going to show up with an essentially static motion picture that you'll need to run on a projector, and it lasts about an hour. think of it this way - one thing you'll always remember me by is that shadow of a window burned into your system. i'm not going to apologize for it, because, well, i made a video and asked you to play it. it doesn't get much simpler than that. also, don't try to tell me to be more personable. just be aware that i talk onstage way more than jay farrar does, plus i have more charisma. it's not even like he puts on a remotely bad show, so just shut up before i have to get testy.

ok, folks, you still with me? i know people might have some preconceptions going in to a performance, so it's worth sharing some of this with your friends. for example, you might think the musicians will perform the songs like they were on the record. thing is, i'm musically precocious, and unlike those guys who are sick of playing their big hit, i pretty much have no desire to play anything normally. were any of you standing out there thinking about the guitar melodies i skipped? well, if that bothered you, hopefully you laughed it off when i pretended for a while that i could only play one-handed piano. come on guys, i'm basically a musical genius. speaking of which, don't forget to buy indie rock band: m. ward when it comes out this christmas. it's not like you'll be spending your hard-earned on guitar hero: adam seltzer. as i was saying, though, wasn't it so much better while the smug folks were still convinced i was half afraid of the piano? also, i hope some of you brought your friends who think folk music is boring, and that they're now lost in the city wandering in a feedback-laced fog. i have to admit, the look on y'alls faces when i basically destroyed the entire sound system with my guitar is now the featured exhibition in my mental art gallery.

i know some of you bring dates on these concerts, and while i wish you could get a discount, i'm sure you were pleasantly surprised by the atmosphere i provided. come on, even that guy who was sitting down and air drumming had his girlfriend superglued by his side. that one was all me, buddy, so again, remember this when my video game gets released. just get used to great things happening when you see me. i'm matt ward. i mean, adam seltzer plays bass for me. the lead singer of norfolk & western, maybe you've heard of them? what? no, neither of us were ever in the jonas brothers...i said he sings in norfolk and western! ok, now i'm just going to have to go home and cry.

when beets attack

what foods offer the most extreme combination of unappetizing flavor and poor nutritional content? it's not fair to say "this particular brand of cookies," because chances are there are similar cookies you would eat. if you absolutely hate macaroons of all makes and varieties, that is a legitimate suggestion. my early nomination is beet chips, which taste like beets but have loads of fat. there's no benefit from the fat; devouring beet chips would be a good way to put on weight while hating every minute of your excess consumption. cheese, at least ordinary cheddar, offers good taste but occupies a surprising amount of the fat you are supposed to intake for the day. i have always liked fine cheeses, but when it comes to the processed kind that shows up in fast food, i say it's far from worthwhile. i have always found it strange that the first question after ordering a veggie burger is whether you want cheese on it. you're probably already going to eat french fries and consume plenty of grease that way, so skipping the cheese seems like a small favor to grant to your body.

it's all presentation until someone asks

you are getting sucked into a black hole. not the kind that astronomers talk about, just a sort of lonely corner of a moderately sized city. in this hole/corner/solitary dwelling, you find a large supply of pretzels. the pretzels are crunchy and taste a little bit like something you had one time and couldn't get enough of. now you have more than you could possibly need. fortunately, you also have a pet bird that likes the pretzels. that's right, a bird. as you throw pretzels to the bird, you notice there are actually faded stripes in the dark wallpaper that makes the room so ugly. in this space, you do not actually have many things, but you have more than just a bird and some pretzels. for example, there seems to be a thin coating of sand on the floor. you might take this as a sign of neglect, or of someone's odd way of giving you a pile of sand. surely if you gathered the sand from the entire room, the extent of which so far escapes you, you would have a pile.

headlines proved utterly useless

if there's one thing that's great about the spread of internet technologies that allow people to share news with friends, it's the fact that we are no longer at the mercy of a newspaper's own inane headlines. i realize that there's a special art to reeling in readers, and that some papers manage to do it in an entertaining manner. however, now when anyone can come up with their own tagline and post a link, there's much greater opportunity to reach people, and they might actually say what they found to be the most useful information in an article. i will get to a point in my life where i stop reading articles that i am only interested in to confirm that i already know the 'new' thing that is referenced. how much better is it when a friend sends a link and 'this is about these new purple apples' than when you see something like 'new apples dazzle with shocking hue.'

Golf lessons

Spent the evening at the driving range, which allowed me to try out my roommate's yardsale clubs. Amazing what is available for five dollars once a few years of wear have cone along. Normally, I do not golf but I have never had success hitting a driver, which of course meant that I had to try a dozen or so times tonight. On the way home I noticed that in order to get the clubs into my friend's hatchback, I had to lean the clubs such that their combine weigh was on the three that stuck out the most. Of course at times that seem to make everything difficult it's good to be able to remember the actual value of the clubs, which by now must be about a nickel.

fake yard sale

i am not selling any of the following items, which might be available for free if they do exist:

-neon hats
-poor quality and/or broken mobile phones
-nonfunctional computers
-1lb chocolate blocks
-exquisitely broken-in denim
-vhs tapes
-company softball team hats
-unmatched ankle socks
-magic-themed lunch boxes
-cancer-causing water bottles
-matte black silverware
-shaq posters
-aircraft models
-battery-powered fans
-vintage personal care products
-lettuce-selection instructions
-minidiscs
-decaying editions of ibsen plays
-sportcoats, both worn and unworn
-hotel notepads
-missing writing instruments

watching and keeping time

i'm on my tiptoes, even though it hurts. i don't mean to be sneaking up on you like this, but sometimes it's impossible to find my way without taking a few chances. i can see, just over your fence, that something must be happening, because there's a light flickering and some voices that just drift far enough to meet my ears. i have an invitation with my roommate's name on it, and you have to admire the care with which i preserved it, given that it had been left with the trash last night. my key, which i am reluctant to use tonight. for whatever reason, i thought it might be fun to stop sulking and make an effort to get to know you. there's only so much dirt one can examine, so many patterns in the carpets of our mutual friends, before it grows inevitably old. i had a song in mind i wanted to share with you. it's not famous at all, since i basically jotted it down in my sleep. it's funny how memories elude us when they're so important; my brain is stuck going over and over the same things until they break like those belts your mechanic likes to replace. it wasn't such a bad song either, and maybe this morning i could have hummed the tune. by now your phone should be ringing. walk over here for a minute, leave that torch-lit yard, and you might still hear it echoing in my ears.

taking, giving, finding nothing left

i took a big step today and broke one of the patterns that has served me best over the past few years. generally, i like to fit music to situations, and there is something chilling about the right sounds played in the lonely dark hours of the evening. while i may continue to acquire new albums that adapt themselves best to those moments, it is nonetheless impressive to me that i still find them valuable. tonight, i took the rare step of risking a listen to one of my prime late-night discs at a much earlier hour and, while this experiment has seemingly little cost, i was surprised how the music adapted itself to its new temporal surroundings. nonetheless, i now find myself finishing the evening far later than was necessary and yet still supplied with ample reserves of music that suits the occasion. perhaps it all goes back to today's strange discovery. having spent much of this week visiting family, i have seized upon the opportunity to shoot endless baskets, initially with an inconveniently deflated basketball. for days, i saw no reason for the need to bounce, dribble, shoot, rebound, and continue. finally this afternoon i noticed the exhaustion that this exertion had finally exhibited on my legs was, in an inexplicable yet significant fashion, satisfying. the whole time, perhaps, i had been building to the moment i would realize i felt as if i had walked all day. i suppose part of the feeling is a sort of sense of pride over putting in a more than merely solid effort. the question, of course, is a solid effort at what? i don't play basketball and have no plans to start; in fact, any practice i put in is most likely an effort to keep from missing too many shots the next time around. i suppose it's fine to have hobbies we don't pursue for the traditional reasons, and at some point soon, i'll probably go back to a full-time someone who can't play basketball.

not that into hats

the hat problem is not just about fading. i have been extraordinarily disappointed in how my red nats cap has aged, especially since the fabric around the brim seems on the verge of tearing while the hat itself looks new still. clearly, a few more years in the sun are needed before the pigment gives up on life and turns that sort of bleachy beige. it's not fair for something to become physically ruined while still looking new. it's not just me either; i recently asked a friend how long he'd had his hat, as the fabric at the brim was about as ruined as one of my classic ones. his was less than 3 years old; mine is 15 or so. clearly someone is skimping on quality.

is it possible that somewhere there's a diner with country fried tofu-steak on the menu? is it possible i will find and visit that diner in the next week? we may never find out.

in which dyes and fabrics are discussed at length

i have a couple of theories about what is wrong with america, but the important one is that we purchase too many pre-faded hats. this seems only to be a problem in the cotton category, as polyester and wool are much less likely to actually fade in real life or in some weird fading factory. if wealthy, lazy people really want faded hats, they should pay someone to wear the hats for them until they're properly broken in. i think perhaps the ability to flop down a twenty or two and obtain a perfectly weathered hat proves just how far we have gone to indulge the fancies of those who want something that has only artificial value.

minding my business

i became somewhat alarmed at the number of times i had to write the same perso al information for the university's benefit this evening. i owe them some paperwork monday, so it was time to work it out. the one thing i could not tolerate? writing my race where no prompt of applicble choices was available. i suppose the nature of things is that i am so uncomfortable being called upon to write down a name for a given race that i would choose silence in the form of a blank section of paper rather than complete the assigned task. it was bothersome that no disclaimer was given as to the necessity or (i hope) optional nature of the question. elsewhere in the stack of papers was a more familiar race query, with checkboxes including "not disclosed." i left the entire set blank.

worst alarm clock on record

i was awakened this morning by the most disturbing noise, which was a real downer for me. i had neglected to set my alarm however, and the roommate producing the noise did do me a favor by allowing me to wake up in time to attend worship services. imagine a high pitched squeal, nasal in character, formed into words. that's how i began my day. i don't even remember what he said and it doesn't matter. i wanted so badly for that noise to stop.

a little blackened spot on the wood of the deck

I heard a story one time about a little boy whose parents missed his birthday. He searched the whole house for the presents he knew they'd left him, and when he found nothing he thought about crying but didn't. There was no one around to see, so he made himself a birthday cake -- which was completely imaginary -- and placed a single candle on it, which he lit with a match he'd found in one of the kitchen cabinets. He didn't sing Happy Birthday to himself, and he didn't give himself any fake gifts. The birthday party he'd created for himself had no beginning, really, but it came to be somewhere as the wax dripped down the sides of the crayon-like pink candle. He put his face next to it and watched the smoke rising in bursts from the flame, saw the molten wax overflow onto the floor, and thought of all the things he'd wanted to get for his last birthday and none of the toys he'd been given that were now broken, lost, and forgotten. He thought about his friends' parties, about the year his dad turned forty and all his friends from work came over to surprise him with a pinata full of the tiniest chocolate bars known to man. He didn't think much about rabbits or Santa Claus or pots of gold, but he did wish in an indistinct way that something magical would happen for his birthday. The candle burned slowly, but shrank noticeably as the hands of clock the boy was not watching traced a familiar dance across its face. He got up and walked away before the flame died and his party ended, but not before he made a wish that he would remember not to tell a soul.

together

i happen to be a big fan of fashion, but maybe in a self-destructive way. it's hard a lot of the time to maintain any particular look, which of course means that i have a sort of undefinable personal style that trumps most of the disguises i tend to choose for myself. a good chunk of high school was given over to a pair of boat shoes and tucked in shirts so i could be 'preppy seth,' but for most of my recent life it's been tough to purposefully maintain any particular guise. it's easier for me to be 'something trying to be something else' than any particular pure archetype. however, maybe if i exercised a little restraint when it came to clothing purchases, i wouldn't have these dilemmas in the first place. case in point: letting a friend talk me into buying a pair of bumblebee-inspired shorts.

what exactly does one wear with a pair of yellow and black checked shorts? sometimes i go with the untucked short-sleeve shirt and a necktie i wouldn't actually wear on a sunday. i often feel like i'm being a bit obvious when i pull out the purple and grey xs rugby shirt, but it does look decent with the shorts. shoes are easy for the moment, because i still have my yellow/blue/red ones. eventually it'll have to be all white or the slip ons with the little zebras all over them. a big problem for me is that i like sneakers so much that, despite my extremely particular taste, i tend to acquire them at a rate that's a little faster than is strictly necessary. the problem with shoes is that unlike, say, granola, abundance of new stock leads to greater longevity of each individual item. i guess i could get away with just my running shoes and the slip ons, but that would eliminate a lot of flexibility in the types of outfits i can put together with the unknowably large collection of footwear actually in my possession. thus, i think i will just keep on until i am forced to stop. you just have to know when you're on to a good thing.

ranch hands

do you ever feel ten years older than the calendar states, or four years into a bad thing? is it worth choosing your place in the world if you don't know what you actually want? much can be made about the power of choice, but most people have a limited range of options that are even conceivable. how does one say that an opportunity has been realized or missed when so many are out there unknown? there is no point in arguing with yourself, and little reason to question many of the decisions that seem important in life. i tell myself these things on nights when the noise in my own head drowns out all possible distractions. i read to myself, in my head, leave the light on in the hall, and tell myself it's all right. occasional thoughts creep out of bed and up through that lit hall to join me at the dining room table over a magazine. nighttime can be the best time to read as so little is happening that everything takes on temporary meanings that offer clues to knowledge that stretches beyond the bounds of rational thought. the colors seep from the page to stain my fingers, and words echo softly in my own head. never give up on an experience that offers irreplaceable lessons. turn the pages until all logic has fled, the ink burning your fingers as it fades to nothing before your eyes. all that remains is you and a blank page, your nose a dancer that cuts mountains of parchment into pastures for a new frontier. you could stop any second, but the weight of the hours pushes you ever onward.

cleaning the fridge

how do you make 3/4 of a pound of butter disappear in one evening? one way is to make two separate brownie recipes for your roommates, which was incredibly fun. i had been thinking about making brownies for a few days, and it was easy to find recipes i liked. i guess i wanted to challenge myself a bit, so i had the idea to make two separate recipes back to back. i originally thought i should try two very similar ones, but instead i made a cake brownie and a more fudgelike brownie recipe. both were cocoa powder-based, so my pound of dark chocolate is still available for future use.

i made the cake brownies first, and quickly realized that recipe was much easier to make than the second one. while, i melted my butter in the microwave for the cake brownie recipe, the second recipe had me stirring it with the cocoa powder and sugar over a double boiler. i was supposed to use my finger to test the temperature, and take it off the heat when it was so hot i could barely stand it. i eyeballed it instead, and i would prefer to see temperatures listed, since i'm not experienced enough to estimate what temperature they're indicating.

one roommate ate so many of the cake brownies that he had to consider his health and declined to try the second batch. since the sugar and butter content is similar and the cake-like recipe produces 2x the volume of brownies, he isn't as bad off as he could have been. in the end, i think the two recipes are so different that it's tough to vote for one. it is now up to the roommates to decide.

so long

i hate confronting my destiny, because it requires too much effort. for one thing, i do not like shaking hands with abstract concepts, significant as they may be. i have also found that my destiny is not a good companion at the ballgame, on a scenic cruise, or even when devouring a twenty-dollar ice cream sundae. in fact, the only times i enjoy with my destiny are when we take quiet time alone to walk on the beach. in opposite directions.

quotation marks

for a long time, i have failed to provide updates regarding certain things i have done.

foods eaten:
chocolate macadamia things
pizza i made, in two varieties
leftover pizza i made
store-brand frosted wheat bundles
delicious pasta dish

books read:
acceptance
something i don't care to mention

movies viewed:
my super ex-girlfriend
the fast and the furious: tokyo drift
(i realize it makes no sense that i watched this and not the one in theaters, but it was free)
rumor has it
(has anyone seen this? please provide a review)
the king of california
henry poole is here
(a real luke wilson trend going on)

television finales skipped, ignored, or delayed viewing:
prison break
(ok i watched half but it was last wk)
terminator: tscc
(i'll be angry if the last few episodes aren't online any longer)
lie to me
24
heroes
(this was a show i mostly watched when i ran out of other shows to catch up on; clearly i have a long ways to go before i get back to it)
30 rock

items purchased that had to be returned due to defects:
awesome shorts
bag of carrots
cell phone
(imagine going a week and a half with no phone, receiving your phone in the mail, and finding the delete key doesn't work. i tried five times to write a one-sentence text and couldn't without making mistakes, which were uncorrectable)
*laptop (purchased 'as is,' which means i get to acquire more computer repair experience)

watery locales visited:
asateague isle-and
ocean city
gravelly point

music acquired:
jenny owen youngs
tara jane o'neil
st. vincent
calexico
metric

bags of flour used:
1 and counting

i don't expect you to return

i've been going through your letters one by one, and i can't figure it out. there was something, way back when we were talking more, that possibly gave an indication of ideas entering your head that i know i had not put there. i think that the main problem is, you've always been resistant to my way of doing things. it may have been three, four, or any number of years back that you started on this path. you may like where you're headed. i cannot control that, and you know that i wish i could. i've always had this idea in my head, sort of an overarching theory of how things are supposed to be. life isn't always about journeys or possibilities or achievements or even about wanting to get up in the morning. yes, if those were the things by which you measured your life, i'm sure you would have left me some time ago. what you have to remember is that part of the glory in all this is the ability to say, to know, that you have your ducks in a row. you need to be out there, you have to breathe the same air with the rest of us and walk in our shoes, you have to believe that there's nothing you'll find alone that i wouldn't have been able to give you if you'd fallen in.

so, while you're away, i hope you discover something, and maybe i can even pray a little that you'll bring it back. do you have a new color, a leaf, or some particularly interesting rock that you might be able to add to the body of knowledge you've obtained under my care? were you expecting smells that could take you away from this life? i wouldn't begin to attempt to expound upon the many ways in which you could have deluded yourself, but i can tell you this: i don't expect your return. no, we've got things pretty well in order even without you. in fact, don't be surprised one morning if you wake up and find us outside your door. yeah, that one is coming. so's the other hundred or so you can almost picture in your dreams. all of them. a little scratch at night, a flickering from just outside your range of vision. someone stumbles in the alley. smoke seems to mark the limits of your imagination, hanging over the city as your mind grows blank. we don't have to go get you, because we're already everywhere.

summer of yikes

at this point, almost everything electronic of mine has broken in the past three months. i guess i need to start taking more pictures so my camera can break, completing the cycle. is this going to turn me into a one-person equivalent of some lost civilization that loses advanced technology over the years? three years from now, i will be communicating solely via the mail.

i blame the cookies

i've decided to do something that an old friend told me to do in a dream. not because i think my friend actually wants me to do it, but because clearly i want myself to - hence the dream. i can't say that dreams are usually a part of my decision making process, but i do think they are indicators of things that are bothering me deeply enough for them to pop out of my subconscious.

i also ate cookies today, which - along with some overly sweet pudding - ruined my appetite for the rest of the evening.

home from the snowstorm

in the past two days, i have lost my keys, a strawberry eating contest, and seven friends. i thought i knocked a tooth out on the lamp, but that was a dream. fortunately. i've come to call this week the week of lost and found. i expect i will discover something amazing as a karmic payback for all the annoyances of the past few days. one thing that keeps coming back to me is the conversation i had with my mom, who assured me that everything important would work out. she left me with the impression that friends aren't as big of a concern as, say, whether the roof over your bedroom leaks or if you can find soap that doesn't turn your skin raw in the winter. other things have gone well; i had a soda yesterday and my friends split the check evenly despite the fact that my bill was technically three dollars more than theirs. small victories.

take it

After a long time in New York, it takes a while to get used to living somewhere else. I feel bad for everyone who is stuck thinking they'll never live anywhere as amazing again; they deserve to stay where they're happy. I found it odd tonight to realize how a quiet still moment in an urban setting is possible. Truthfully, there are parts of Manhattan with parks that empty out at night and provide opportunities for a meandering late night run or walk, but I didn't live in those areas most of my time there. Since I live in a primarily commercial neighborhood now, the emptiness after dark is remarkable. There's plenty of grass in the further reaches of the biggest street, and no one around to enjoy it. It's like staying in one of those hotels that's part of a strip mall and nothing around it is open at night, only I live here. Yes, boring has its advantages.

foiled by randomness

it is definitely not my ambition in life to take things back to stores on a regular basis. unfortunately, it seems like i keep buying things that are totally ruined either the first day i own them or even before i even picked them up in the store. am i just not paying attention any longer? i used to think it was crazy that someone could mistakenly purchase diet soda, for example. it's been a long time since i decided that was not the case.

economies of style: hatwear

before i would start, i would like to thank the makers of my mail-order 2.5lb PC for including a utility that always turns on the built-in firewall after i have waited an unnecessarily long time for my wireless to connect. they must have thought 'hey, i know people like you are going to shell out $69 for a virus/evil/spyware protection utility to keep your machines out of trouble, but in case you're idiots, here's a function you won't be able to figure out how to disable that will protect you.' fellas, believe me, if it wasn't for the fact that you hit the price/tininess/shrunken screen coefficient right on the nail, i wouldn't be using your product in the first place.

it has come to my attention, upon reading my past few credit card statements, that even frugal individuals such as myself are effected by spending habits that veer out of control when brothers-in-law call requesting we purchase eight tickets for the game or when we mysteriously destroy our reliable 5lb miracle laptops, purchase ridicu-cheap aged replacements off ebay, purchase accessories for said replacements, and return from two-day trips to new york city to discover that we now own $100 coasters with $80 worth of brand new accessories. let me tell you, coasters need neither li-ion batteries nor power adapters, but apparently they can drain said batteries when inadvertently left sleeping in an effort to preserve my work in an operating system they will hardly ever be able to boot. in shorts, even the best of us have been known to fail.

this brings me to today's topic, or instead to an apology to actual new york-based readers of my blog. you may be disappointed or perplexed by the fact that you did not see me during my two-day stay in your fine city, so let me offer the following disclaimer. unless you fall into one of two categories: people who asked me to kill mice at their apts or former sunday school teachers i ran into on the street, i didn't see you while i was in the city. ok, i guess, i also saw one fellow virginian's older brother, but only because he was visiting the apartment with the mice. also, if i only saw one of my former sunday school teachers on the street, then i smiled at a random woman who smiled at me for pretty much the only time in my life; it can be hard to tell people's identity for certain when they are on their mobile phones. i figure at this point it is safe to offer that if you live in new york city and are still reading this, i would be happy to visit you if you only reach out to arrange for my arrival at a time that is convenient to you. with that, i will fail to discuss anything related to economies of style.

time is a luxury you can forget

he got back late. the lights were on. no one was home. several items on the floor were screaming at him though. there was a deafening ache in his head from too many distractions all day. order was impossible. sanity left me early in the day. prioritization wasn't really going to happen either. i thought about making copies for a few hours just to get away from my computer. nothing was solved, decided, or ruled out. i left a little after eight, knowing i'd be back tomorrow.

colored boxes

sometimes i feel iike i'm stuck in a movie. everyone shouting and staring at me. the floor seems to tremble under my hurried feet.i can't remember the last time i blinked when something hasn't changed drastically. streets crossed. buildings leveled. animals stuffed into cages and rushed away. now no one is left who believes me. the neighbors are closing in. each second my life collapses a little more. bright spots bloom before my eyes, blinking blindingly. all these medicines, always in little boxes.

signs of something

spoon concert today, which was perfect yet cause for reflection. without looking, i can't remember any 'best of the year so far' experiences. pretty sure there's been at least one.

i bought a used laptop recently, which has been a bit of a drain on my resources. not financially so much as temporally, or just mentally. there are at least three more issues i should address. so yes, i could have saved a lot of effort by spending more for something new. on the other hand, i need projects right now.

more than a day late

hmmm files:

voxtrot, somewhat reinvented and ramping up the hype once again.

build something

birdhouse
remote-control waffle iron
sawmill
bamboo hula hoop
plastic log cabin
graduate english department
flying flyswatter
cement lacrosse stick
sleeping bag recording studio
waterproof notepad

isn't it better to make something you can't explain than nothing at all?

yogurt cheddar potatoes

i made these up, so the recipe is sketchy at the moment

ingredients:
3 medium potatoes
8-12 oz sharp cheddar cheese
10 oz nonfat plain yogurt*
sea salt
black pepper
red pepper

directions:
preheat oven to 350**
cube the potatoes and boil them
whisk together cheese and yogurt

when the potatoes are ready, stick them in an (approx) 9"x12" pan
sprinkle with salt and black pepper***
cover evenly with yogurt-cheese mixture
sprinkle with black pepper and salt
add small amount of red pepper

bake 40 mins or until topping browns as desired

this is a slight twist on a very familiar dish, but the yogurt provides a surprisingly refreshing taste. the red pepper should be just enough to enhance the flavor subtly; it is not intended to provide noticeable heat.

notes:
*i'm guessing on the amount at this point, but you need enough to create a sauce once the cheese has been mixed in. it would be easy to add a lot more cheese than i did, but that would make this less healthy in comparison to more familiar cheese and potato recipes

**a higher temp might be more ideal; i used this b/c i was baking whole potatoes simultaneously and had read that 350 would work for that task

***i forgot to do this before adding the topping, but i think it's the right way to go. i was also liberal in adding additional pepper after baking.

now in rotation

music is tricky; it seems like the songs that are most promising initially can turn on you quickly. to be more accurate, the stuff that's catchy right off the bat grows tiring quickly. here are some of the albums that have crossed in and out of favor with me lately:

beirut - march of the zapotec/realpeople holland

so far, i love the way all the pieces are falling together as a beirut sound seems to endure through all the disparate styles. the vocals seem to tie it all together effortlessly

sin fang bous - clangour

don't have an opinion yet, but there seems to be some substance. sort of an architecture in helsinki feel, and i've never been particularly into them.

the postmarks - by the numbers

haven't heard the entire album, actually, but tracks 1-5 are great. 'you only live twice' is, naturally, a standout. the postmarks are a band i believe has more going for them than i personally can detect.

m. ward - post war

yes, he has a new album out; this is the previous one. despite a longtime feeling of respect for matt's stature as artist, i hadn't bothered to listen to his solo stuff until quite recently. i love that he doesn't just show off his guitar skills; the songwriting, vocals, and sonic textures make this a complete album rather than an instrumental showcase.

time of the signs

the mobile web doesn't really do april fool's day.

just an observation.

sorry

i've just gotten home and my entire room is full of discarded cheese wrappers. there are about three fist-sized holes in the back wall leading to the closet, which means the closet has to be full of plaster dust, which means i need to go to the dry cleaners. my neighbors left a message on my cell phone about some noise they heard earlier, but no one was home today.

adeppp.i3

i don't care about your

no

no

stop now


ablip

joerp

-please stop reading and go purchase some cheese

crunchkrunchchrunch cruchn

we have taken your cheese

sowh us the wsiss chese

all are awanting chees!

will nt

not standfro this

no cheese!

i like swiss cheese

let's be honest, how many foods are iconic in nature because they provide an easy way to:

-attack someone you're debating (your argument has more holes than swiss cheese)

-des.

sorry, the rest of this message was destroyed in a robot attack.

fighting

mayhem

bad dialogue

yukky!!!./1

a theme develops

cake is good. i also like ice cream.

we are watching

we are the evangelists, we are artists producers and performers.
we are watching you, and eating your cheese.
we are forming small groups to debate your excesses.
we are party to your losses.
we inhabit phone banks.
we stay late in order to read your mail.
we have not learned manners.
we have abandoned ordinary lives in order to pursue you.
our mouths are dry with the thirst for redemption.
all along, our leaders have followed our progress.
they are grooming us for future success.
we wish to prove worthy of their remaining confidences.
our hands are bloody with the wounds of eager servants.

a brighter day seems to us only another.
our steps cannot be measured for all their numbers.
the battles we survived tore no limbs from our bodies.
the tales we brought back taught no stranger our ways.

your toast published successfully

we become jealous of a breakfast food. 'sorry, the toast is not available this morning; it's on a book tour.'

find me a dessert or two

today is one of those days when i tried too hard to enjoy shopping. i had not been looking for clothes in some time, but i felt compelled to give it a whirl this afternoon. the good news is i had been at the library previously, where i found a joshua ferris short story featuring the characters from 'then we came to the end,' a fact that made me smile a little. since i have a half constructed rock band following me around in my head, it was nice to think of him working on these fictional chicagoans before they were ready to be dumped into a novel. i read a page and a half of another story of his that was wholly different in voice, and decided maybe you can't make a career out of writing that unique 'then we came to the end' style. is it too unique to work consistently? somehow it might be distracting, or suited only for certain passages. i'm curious to see if it comes out in the other story.

hold out your hand

i don't want to smile for the camera or listen to what you have to say. i'm turning my head slowly to stare out the window. the lawn looks different than last year; most of the dirt patches are gone, and the flowers by the door seem to have blown away in one of the rainstorms. you're still talking to me, which is difficult because i'm not here.

park, 2pm

i picked all the leaves off a tree today and crumbled them in my fingers. i took bits of leaves and threw them on the ground. i made sure no one was watching me and jumped on the piles of leaf bits. i removed my shoes and socks and scraped them against the sharp pavement. slowly lowering myself to the ground, i lay down on my stomach and stared into the mashed plant matter before me. my nose prickled with their broken scent. i gathered my strength and blew them, each tiny stack, with breaths that sang softly to the trees.

viva knoxville

i have made little progress on the song 'g was a serial killer' (thank you semi-conscious brain for that one), but that's ok, because i should have plenty of time to work on it in graduate school.

i may have a broken laptop, messy hair, and a phone that looks like it's been chewed on (it hasn't, at least not by me), but i was privileged recently to find my favorite soda beverage, which i have not seen in stores since college. yeah, that's right. unfortunately, my primary source of this carbonated bliss is one hundred ten miles from my apartment.

don't be ashamed

i wore a t-shirt with your face on it today.

disappointed

i am struggling right now to accept the fact that i cannot compose lengthy pieces on a device with a tiny screen. perhaps i should just give up rather than try to explain what footwear people should wear with a sport coat. as a warning before your brain is overwhelmed, shoes that can't be worn with sportcoats (soon to be discussed) also do not go with preppy wool winter coats. the only way this will work for you is if you are the mildly hapless guy with a preppy girlfriend. if you want to be that guy, just hope she thinks it's cute and that it isn't just another reason she doesn't take you seriously. should you truly aspire to be that guy, note that this also means you pay full price at preppy chains for clothes you look silly wearing. you may think hipsters look weird, but at least they want to look weird.

personally, i have never dated a preppy girl. is that a new goal for the year for me? um...uh, writing it here means it is not happening.

things that are important

in a freak accident sunday, i destroyed the lcd of my working laptop. now i have two broken ones and an ancient but cute little computer i bought in my "i want to do computer support for a living so i have to own a couple" days. that four lb wonder helped me, in the days when campuswide wireless was new and exciting, to take notes in class while attracting curious attention because it ran linux. of course i can't remember my linux password or figure out how to free significant hard drive space on...yes...what may now count as my most functional machine.

i found today that it is much easier to spend money on awesome clothes than to spend ten times that amount fixing a computer. my "future" plan to survive with an even tinier linux book in grad school has now become my plan to avoid committing funds until i know if i was accepted. not getting in to school is going to feel like an enormous windfall, but now it is time to admit that i would still want to go in the future.

on a more frivolous note, be aware that shoes can kill any outfit. they can also save many outfits when chosen properly. my old roommate c said that nice shoes are the key to looking good for a date. you can render most well conceived outfits date- appropriate just by making sure to wear something a little nicer than sneakers. conversely, the right sneakers are the perfect way to tone down a boring office outfit and look appropriately laid back. i feel like it might be worth talking about the "right" sneakers. one easy rule: never wear running shoes with sport coat. the people who can break this rule don't need my advice to begin with. for all you borderline talents who think they can get away with it, i'm not sure i can stop you right now. just promise never, ever, to wear running shoes designed after 1993 with a sport coat. this is especially true for sneakers from germany's second finest athletic brand. like germany's next-to-best automaker, they have clearly lost their way stylistically. they seem to understand that they should make new shoes that share more than names and logos with classic models. still, they consistently get it wrong. one company that has been successfully building new visions of the past has no lengthy history of it's own to build on, and continues to shine as a fiefdom of the number one snowboard maker. it all goes to show, it's not so much who literally came before you as who you really follow and whether you've got the right concept of what to accomplish.

the winter coat concept does make it tougher to properly attire yourself in colder months. no matter what the season, you are still limited by this simple rule: an outfit should work no matter which combination of layers you end up wearing by the end of the day. possibly, you might think it's a waste to worry overmuch about which shirt you wear under a sweater. even if you never take the sweater off, it is the completeness of the outfit that is important. it might even help you stay a little sharper out there.

i'm sticking with you

it's okay that you hate my cat.

i won't worry about the carpet, it was old and ugly.

we might have to take fewer walks during daylight hours, but i'll get over it.

i'm getting tired of those sneakers too. don't worry about it.

whatever happens, i will never again criticize you for brushing your teeth.

your left ear is perfectly normal in size.

i will ignore your friends, i will continue to ignore your friends, and i will not retaliate when your friends compare me to various animals.

toffee is overrated anyway.

i promise to drive with the dome light on.

don't even move an inch

sense and sensibility
-jane austen

i'd read it before, but this time through i got more of the subtleties of it. i would enjoy studying some of the historical context of this book just to see exactly how snarky jane austen is; there are moments that i, the relatively uninformed reader, don't know whether she's trying for irony or not. i may not end up following through on this, but i can see doing some research to enrich my reading experience.

it's too early to be good early

put down the phone.

we are doing you a favor.

which brings us to this evening's entertainment

i brought gloves on my trip, for no real reason other than a desire to be prepared. i had long since given in the reality that no foreseeable scenario would leave me exhausted at the bottom of a snow-covered mountain saturday, but i still brought the gloves. around nine pm, having drugged myself with another dose of internet-streamed television, i decided to review some job postings i had repeatedly ignored. only then did i start to think about the applications i'd sent out a month ago. i'd given up already, but for a time i was hovering over my mobile phone every minute or two, desperate in the wish that a voice mail would show up offering a chance to interview for one of those openings. what i hadn't counted on, however, was an email reply. my resume has my present email address, but i'd applied to these jobs through a site that is linked to an email i rarely check. looking through the last week or two of messages, i found nothing of interest, but i remember that it had been some time since i'd applied for the job. sure enough, out of two applications i sent in early january, i was asked to go in for one interview. unfortunately, it took me a month to respond. after lobbing snowballs into the emptiness across the street, i came back inside to hang my gloves up to dry, calm down, and penitently seek a second chance at that job.

does the world exist any longer?

i'm just checking

...because i think it doesn't

no, really, make me try harder

i had a difficult time on the way home tonight, but then it's never easy to come home from a lousy day at the office and find a dozen people waving placards in front of your apartment building. it's even worse when they're shouting and pointing at you. i thought my wave of staff cuts had passed so gradually and carefully that nothing was really going to come of it. well, it turns out that my web team thinks i took took ideas they presented to me last summer and used them as the basis for the site's new template. they were out for a drink tuesday and ran into intern janelle (who still has her unpaid job, of course), who was there meeting a college friend of hers - my former personal chef, marc. marc left me two years ago because i had started talking about eating vegan for a week, a plan he saw as both ludicrous and potentially harmful. he was afraid not just that he'd be fixing vegan sausages and lentil soups for a week, but that i'd trick myself into becoming a full-on vegetarian. well, he was right about that.

so anyway, marc quit rather than watch his creative options become limited by what he saw as a permanent dietary change. he harbors a lot of bad blood, mostly due to the stale french fries he used to find in the kitchen trash on weekends, when his carefully prepared meals were going untouched. he always felt i owed him a better severance than i'd offered, but it was all in his contract. good grief. people wonder why i'm still keeping a legal team. please.

two years later, it was my bad luck that janet introduced him to piers and khaled, who have become increasingly angry with me these past few days, as they've slowly drunk away their own severance checks. upon hearing of my staff cuts (marc always hated the site, so of course he'd been out of the loop), marc made a few calls to some chefs who'd worked catered events for me in the past. most of them hate me even more than marc does. people don't seem to understand why i need professional help to serve popcorn and carrot juice, but i pay for quality, you know? i figured that my habitual use of craigslist was wise, considering i can never get one chef to work more than two parties. well, unfortunately for me, freelance craigslist chefs have some kind of web forum or something, and the url seems to have the words "no," "carrot," and "juice" incorporated in it. i've always been who i am, although my preferences may change, and i'm sorry that my ex-employees have so much pent-up anger over the limitations my choices have placed on them. apparently, my parties have resulted in an organized, angry online community of freelance chefs. they've always kept to themselves, stewing in their own frustrations with me and other past employers, but when they heard i was downsizing, marc had them ready for blood. thus, i arrived home to a mob of angry chefs and web developers shouting and jeering at me. just when i thought i'd successfully navigated through the situation without so much as throwing an elbow, marc and khaled came tearing out from behind a huge potted plant, savagely basting me with turkey juices and plastering me with giant capital letters cut from the newspaper. that seems like some seriously weird stuff to premeditate. it's funny what people spend their time on when they're out of work.

reductions have arrived

i am sorry to report that i will be cutting my staff. first off, as head writer, i will now take a salary of nothing, and all freelance contributors will be paid in salted sunflower seeds. my design staff quit when i asked them to work pro bono, so i will now take over responsibility for the look and feel of the site. i quietly axed my personal shopper last weekend, which explains why i have been seen at area malls more than might be expected. my it staff has been empty for quite some time, as i let them go last summer when they repeatedly claimed they didn't know how to enable a blog roll for me. any future political commentary will be backed up by my own fact finding efforts, following the departure of both members of my research department. i am still attempting to fill a position on my legal team, as well as an unpaid staff writer's slot. the anthropologists behind 'ask an australian' never were permanent members of the team, although their contributions are missed. over the years, i have attempted numerous times to hire a literary critic, but they always quit when i talk about cormac mccarthy for an entire week.

i am not reading the signs

the other day, a security fix was pushed to all the computers at work. today, i noticed that the only font i can use for email or documents is some boring old computer font. i am glad that my system is free from the scourge of times new roman. so now somehow, the day has come that i miss arial.

i recently purchased a bright orange hat as a bit of a joke. then, thursday, i was looking for some decent headphones and found a pair that is 'tangerine' in color. i have not eaten any carrots since making that purchase.

did not see this one

i was planning to write about something i didn't actually believe, so instead i will write about nonsense. each time you sleep, do you start feeling like you've given up on the day? saturday, i kept thinking one more run down the slopes would be too much. so maybe i picked up bruises along the way, but i also learned more than i could have reasonably expected. the lame part is that i was afraid overexertion would lead to a rough day at the office today. instead, i somehow got two days' work done and felt great.

it has recently been brought to my attention that my parents, people who believe in fiscal restraint, would not be surprised if i bought a new car. seeing as they are probably too smart for my economic stimulus plan - buy a new american car - this surprised me. i suppose it's easy to get confused when one of your children is buying houses and cars while the other one is breaking personal records for television viewing (with a little help from the internet). ok. the age gap between us does not really explain the difference. some day i might get caught up in something seemingly significant, though. i spent a couple minutes today thinking about granola packaging. also, thank you to everyone who texted or called while I had no service this wkend. i loved having stuff to catch up on once i returned. some cell providers just don't believe in pennsylvania. be warned - i can switch to your competition without buying a new phone, and i don't care how many times you do things that make sense since you now have reminded me of your biggest fault. discounted wifi access for voice subscribers is great, but you provide no way to sign in. any chance you can just email that to me? seriously, i gave you an extra ten bucks this month for nothing. ok, forget it. i'm just not going to send you a box of chocolate/candy cane cookies.

seriously, really

we use an application at work to extract data, and it has a bug that makes the first file you save each day unusable. why can't i just save the file in the trash? i know it doesn't ordinarily make sense to save files in the trash, but in this case, i'd be saving a step every single day. save file, it's already in the trash, save file again.

deal with it

under the net
-iris murdoch

an irresponsible writer wanders his way through london and an assortment of ridiculous situations. reckless, suspicious, and lazy about most important elements of his life, the protagonist is self-centered and scheming but remains endearing. having read 'the sea the sea,' i was amused by the fact that both novels are built around the misadventures of wordy, egotistical, male narrators. i like jake from 'under the net' a lot better, and it's interesting to note that the narrative excess that burdens the first several chapters of 'the sea the sea' is never a problem here. murdoch's dry humor and fascinating characters make this a thoroughly enjoyable read. it is in print, but this is not a book you can walk into a chain bookstore and pick up, unless you're lucky. i struck out three times before tracking a copy down with the help of the internets.

that cost good money

i was talking with some friends last night, and the subject of dreams came up. naturally, i had a particularly vivid and unnecessarily scary dream afterwards. i had a bunch of these tiny pet animals, sort of like toys but actually living, that i was struggling to help back to full health. the weird thing was that a few of them were scary, like lions and stuff. one was some sort of lizard, which, when it regained its health, started breathing fire and destroying an elaborate cardboard city i had constructed. so essentially, my dream was some freaky variation on a computer game that i was never good at, and it was really freaking me out while i was having the dream. so, in case you were wondering, when your cute pet lizardy thing is still half dead, you have to keep in mind that it will soon be breathing fire again once it's healthy.

i also had some sort of dream about fixing the fake sausage i bought last week, which is the first time i can recall being successfully vegetarian in a dream. usually, when i have had dreams where i'm conscious of my dietary preferences, it's been because i've mistakenly eaten meat. then i wake up and eventually figure out that it never happened, which is always a relief. i don't think i've had that type of dream in a while.

we'll get it fixed

all right people, it's fixing time. stop whatever you're planning and buy an american car. maybe you don't have the cash; instead, write a check to the next bank you see advertisted on television. i'm not talking deposit; just make it out for a large sum, and mail it off, no questions asked.

ok, or buy some stocks.

just feed me

today, i got made fun of for showing up at the office at 5pm and cleaning the refrigerator. later, i discovered a white powder on top of my zero proof salsa. what is going on?

sheep

today is a turtleneck day. that means that when i unnecessarily put on a dress shirt and sweater, i made it a turtleneck. i own way too many items of clothing that i think is worthless 99% of the time and then find occasional pleasure in wearing. i probably haven't had this sweater on in over a year. that's just not sustainable.

no one needs more sugar, ok

please watch out. if erratic behavior on my part has increased, you must understand. i am being fueled by an experimental high technology sports-science beverage complex. they call it 'hot' chocolate.

cutbacks are for real

can we sell the smithsonian to help finance the bailout? i guess this wouldn't be the year to make the actual sale; let's wait and sell when the markets peak again, and just plow that cash straight into debt repayment. just a thought.

a free tip

it made my life better, from the minute i heard it. pass on the wisdom.


sweet potato fries are excellent with sour cream. if you order some, just ask for sour cream on the side.

upstaged

football game tonight, thus it does not matter that:

i am an immensely talented musician

i can pick locks with my teeth

four of my closest friends have super powers

i once read a novel while hanging upside down from the chrysler building

my third birthday party was televised


at times, i find it difficult not to smile.

yeah, but i did get the address already

let's say you run a website that hosts party invitations. why would you schedule maintenance for new year's eve? it's a holiday. that involves a lot of parties.

who even cares

things i would like to see in 2009, with little regard for whether it's time:

new albums from:

air
kings of convenience
rhett miller
(ok, i do actually know he's recording next month but i don't care about the album, i just want to hear the songs live, since even his solo material works in concert)
the shins
voxtrot
calexico
neko case
fionn regan
(i'd like about 3 albums from him...now...but patience is important. he's a good reason skipping the next 20 years of life might be worth it just to get 20 years of music all at once)
nedelle and thom
(probably never happening, but come on, please?)
the postmarks
(will happen at some point, similar feel to the above, and probably the more talented group)
fruit bats
(i should add that i don't want the shins record to sound a thing like this one and that i want this one to be awesome and i want to know why the shins had to steal eric johnson because it's not like they needed the help)
the elected
(nick never seems to sing very good songs for rilo kiley, so...)
kruder & dorfmeister
(never happening i'm sure, but i guarantee they'd provide some interesting material)
zero 7
(they might be better off without jose gonzalez' help this time around, like um, er, he's really good but maybe they did have to branch out)
explosions in the sky
(one of those 'you want to hear something as good as them, it has to be them' groups)
loch lomond
(plus national tour with 9 musicians and a ton of instruments; maybe they could bring adam selzer b/c i'm not even asking for a norfolk & western record)


books:

a novel by douglas trevor
adam langer novel not about nyc or chicago
cormac mccarthy writes something tragic and peaceful
jt leroy writes a novel about office politics
joshua ferris manages to release two novels and a short story collection, about any subject he chooses, really
a michael lewis novel and a nonfiction book about the music industry
nick horby novel, set in paris and beirut, about journalism students, with fictionalized book reviews (of real books) interspersed in the text
a chimamanda ngozi adichie novel set in the middle east
a blog by andrew keen, but only for ironic value
michael frayn novel about a scottish america's cup sailor
another gabe hudson story collection
malcolm gladwell authors a novel based on a short story by al gore, vividly detailing the life of a sudanese pirate.

is it wrong to want these things? i just want more great writing, and to learn a few things about parts of the world i've never seen.

go 2009!

albums that came out this year

i can't really say i bought much music that was released in 2008. did that jens lekman album even come out this year? the new thievery corporation left the least impact, for me, of any album they've released since i started listening. i heard 'the mirror conspiracy' first, but that is such a crucial release it would have been a certain revelation to anyone taken in by their first disc. i did get the privilege of listening to 'the richest man in babylon' when it came out, and being wowed both by the musical developments and the bold expression of the duo's politics. i had 'the cosmic game' pegged as the letdown album, especially with the sorts of collaborators they brought in, but it managed to find new sonic territory while wisely branching into higher energy levels. the guys kept it real by abandoning the transcendentally cool territory they'd layed out so perfectly in 'mirror conspiracy.' other downtempo artists have failed to achieve that first step - finding the art of cool - and my frustration with the genre as a whole helped lead me away from regular listening as 2005 wound to a close. back for a taste of the latest release in 2008, i was impressed by a couple of tracks but found the album to be only a modest pleasure to hear. it might be that i'm more of an americana/folkish listener these days, so cheers to all who got more out of the new disc.

i never bought 'blame it on gravity,' because i take in the old 97s live and almost exclusively live, but from the tour, it seems like there are some decent songs there. i look forward to hearing them when they've been around the block a few dozen times.

i thought jennifer o'connor's latest, 'here with me,' was a total treat, despite her lack of artistic development on this record. for her next release, she may need to branch out a bit more, or figure out a way to do the same thing but make it sound new. at this point in her career, laboring in obscurity, i don't think it matters that the record spins nicely along where her amazing 2006 release left off. there's plenty of room for her to grow her audience just by getting in front of people; i personally would welcome more of the same. that's probably the key - she remains core to my listening fancies, and thus in my book she can get away with repeating herself. after all, when you go to an amazing concert, all you want sometimes is to be able to come back and bask in that exact sound for as long as possible. it's also easier to hold territory that provides a solid grounding. o'connor's emotive edgy storytelling is easier to repeat successfully than the quiet bliss of 'mirror conspiracy.' i think rob and eric of thievery corporation wouldn't have wanted to stay put if they'd had the chance; their globe-trotting musical journey has to be a rush. it might not be as exciting, but i think they'd have something to say, musically, about a trip back to the states and a few long winters of joe pass and bill evans. they could always mix in old friend jobim and find some fascinating new possibilities. maybe even jean-michel jarre; i'm not sure they've really covered his turf either.

use your resources wisely

i have something that most people might not, which is a large collection of albums i own and have not yet listened to. yesterday seemed an appropriate time to raid that stash, so i rewarded myself with a listen to something brand new. i'd heard a lot of the songs live, of course, but now there's an enticing new selection on the portable device for whatever mood convinces me to seek out the brand new.

keep trying

i was telling my parents how their new place could use a hoop in the driveway, and besides the fact that it makes little sense to oblige me when i live hundreds of miles away, it turns out there's a rule against it. i also don't see a rock wall in the basement. at least they didn't say they were getting an indoor pool or anything. the Christmas tree, though, looks great.

context

spending sixteen dollars to mail something overnight seems bad, but maybe not when i paid more than that to get it printed. buying six boxes of cookies seems ridiculous until you...yeah, it's ridiculous. i haven't eaten six boxes of cookies outside of work in the past year. is that weird? i have developed distinct patterns of things i will eat at the office but not at home. that's all busted now.

it's funny being back in my neighborhood and seeing how different things look now that i've been away for 3 years. i used to have such a hard time with grocery shopping, but my perspective is completely different now. there's one store 2 subway stops away, and that is so much more convenient than just about anything i've done recently as far as shopping goes.

missed opportunities

a modest blanket of snow fell friday, slowing the city and disrupting my travel plans but failing to ruin anything significant. i spent the evening at the airport waiting with friends who hoped their luck was better than my own. everyone made it out but me, and only the weather-induced pitfalls of my journey to the airport prevented me from making it out on my flight, which took off on time. a few hours later, the remaining flights were cancelled. having lost the purpose of my evening, i was buoyed by the modest hopes of friends that their journeys would end by midnight.

my own journey was far from fruitless. i discovered that wheeled luggage rolls well through small amounts of snow, but drags heavily in even an inch and a half. transportation officials can misguide you, shuttle buses don't always appear, and stubbornly pressing forward to join waiting crowds is not always a poor choice. i found that a modest suitcase can quickly reach fifty pounds in heft, and that sometimes it's better to just check a bag even if you might not get it back for several days. i found myself surprisingly happy to return to the unheated apartment and unroll my sleeping bag for one more night. on saturday, i learned that we'd actually done our landlord a disservice by not complaining; he could have fixed the heat on thursday morning and been free to enjoy his weekend. i don't mind having missed the chance to play in the still-falling snow, when it was nothing but beautiful. instead of standing in wonder at the flakes that melted on my sweater, i played my snow games in the slush, the puddles and drifts that lulled the city to somnolence with their momentary power. i slept soundly in the warmth of the sleeping bag, preparing for a new day with flights that would fear no weather.

from the notepad

music that sounded good last week:

husky rescue

club 8

the american analog set

jenn grant

one of those items really doesn't fit with the others, to the extent that it makes me feel a bit ridiculous. that's the beauty of lists.

we are cold and indescriminate

sometimes it is not worth caring about things. if i stopped caring about having new clothes to wear, i might have some extra savings in the bank. if I managed to avoid reading ill-conceived books by people with lousy ideas, i might have time to catch up on the past three years of alumni magazines. if I stopped caring about how loud the to king clock was, i might be asleep right now.

since there is nothing better to do, i will reveal something trivial and hitherto unknown. if i could see a concert by one musical act i have seen live in the past three years, i would choose to see feist again. there are a couple reasons for that choice. i've only been to one concert of hers, it was phenomenal, and the gap between what you get from her live show and from her recorded material is huge. she's the opposite of the magic numbers, who seemed overmatched on stage but have recorded decent stuff. i don't mean to take anything away from feist as a recording artist, because the studio tracks are well done. they aren't lacking except in comparison to the live performance i witnessed. i should add that the magic numbers may have suffered somewhat because of a lousy venue. the worst neko case show i saw was in the same place, and that was honestly a fairly unexciting show as well. she's been great the other two times i have heard her live. so it's possible the magic numbers have had better shows elsewhere.

fear nothing

my revolutions
-hari kunzru

this has to have been one of those books i grabbed because i liked the cover. yes, i have not given up on that habit. they're easy to show off; people with good taste will just think you have stylish books, and people who are into books probably still won't have read them.

this was one of the more suspenseful books i've read, and it did a great job of revealing both the past and the present gruadually, which helped heighten the anticipation. the stories that unfold are: a sixties activist's journey into radicalism, and his struggles in the present to face his hidden past. it's set in britain, and a few landmark events are historical, while most are probably not.

stuck

i am making cookies with millet

i am clearcutting the forest outside

i am making sure it's okay to be afraid of people

i am shopping for honeycombed seating

i am wrapping all my belongings in clear tape

i harbor an overwhelming disdain for people who use combination locks

i do not understand what you are trying to convey

i would like a side of fries with my omelet

excuse me while i paint stripes on my neckties.

last week, i sold my best work to some guy jj saunders

define easy

i played a new board game this weekend and had a lot of luck winning. it seems a lot easier than the train game i've been playing with friends recently, because this is the type of game where the first one to finish is the winner. there is a clear goal you work towards and you know that getting thwre first means you win. with the other game, your ultimate goal is a lot murkier; you know you have to defeat the other players but it's hard to know how to accomplish that. as my friends and i have obtained familiarity with that train game, i have found it increasingly rare that i win or come close to winning. perhaps my strategy is totally wrong. i think it's safe to argue, however, that the game with a predefined end point is easier. you still have to balance risks and strategize, but yo always know what will be enough to produce a victory. there's a while other level of strategy involved when you're racing both to a defined end of gameplay and an unknown point total that will produce a win.

the debate continues

normal, abnormal, normally abnormal. it's strange the way some people insist on telling me i'm weird, others that there's nothing so weird about me. could be a matter of perspective, just one of these words we get caught up over, one way or the other.

at times i just can't seem to do ordinary, though. i can act it, when there's a reason. i can dress up like something that doesn't feel like me, and that's fine as long as i'm comfortable with the character i need to become. once in a while, i get caught trying to fit in, and i absolutely fail. that must be when i'm the most normal.

thinking a bit ahead

i'm going to get a jump on the whole giving thanks thing.

i'm thankful for a number of things i won't mention. some that i will say i am thankful for include:

cake

friends, especially when they're patient

hot water

anyone who does nice things at work

words that just sound funny

silence

i'm having a very difficult time with my list, unfortunately. there won't be any more entries today, but perhaps i can think of some more things. it seems to have been a really good idea for me to have started early.

finders

interesting album of the moment:

summerland
-nedelle and thom

if cryptacize isn't quite your thing but nedelle's voice intrigues you, checkback on this 2004 effort. i'm on my initial listen, so i can't offer any depth of analysis. so if you need some pure pop harmonies, give this a whirl. you can pretty much guarantee you've never heard these tracks before. there was a pint in my life when i realized obscure but worthwhile music like this must exist somewhere. honestly, most of you own dozens of albums you'd rather listen to than this. personally, as this is one that's new to me, there isn't much i would rather hear tomorrow. 'in time it snows' is an easy crowd-pleaser.

it could be a cost-saving measure

i purchased two pair of pants yesterday, at one of these stores that doesn't give you a place to try anything on. turns out they both fit, except that they're too short. now, the way things used to be, pants that did not come with specific lengths were always fine on me. so, are we entering an era of shorter inseams, or am i just unlucky?

for anyone who cares, person of the week is a fairly frivolous honor and probably won't be given to barack obama next week. it's really a prize for good writing, more than anything. he won the presidency, so he shouldn't be too disappointed. i have no candidates immediately sticking out at this moment. maybe james mercer. does he seem like a good person of the week? it won't be james mercer either. seriously, dude, why did you have to steal eric johnson? oh, and that time the fruit bats opened for son volt, you think jay farrar was confused about which eric johnson he'd set up as his opening act? i mean, it's entirely possible the other one would have made some of those angry people in the crowd less angry? maybe? i don't mean that's what i would have chosen. just wondering.

person of the wk

deborah solomon

for the best use of 'pithy' i have seen in some time...in an interview nonetheless. how would you like to be interviewed by someone who uses the word pithy in such excellent fashion? you better bring your a game to that interview, that's all.


i was going to make this the journalist of the week, then thought writer of the week, but consider this to be an award that will almost always be handed out for feats of written excellence.

three hours ago

i had to get up early today, which means that besides watching tv like most saturdays, i have managed to head all the way up to the church and back, purchase a charger and a pair of scissors, and...um...watching extra tv because i got up earlier. yah.

sea legs

i originally woke up about half an hour early this morning. i was tired so I went back to sleep. ended up sleeping in another hour and a half. opps. somehow i was still feeling lousy and tired. at that point i just didn't want to bother with a costume, but figured i'd be regretting it later if i left the stuff behind. good decision. not sure how i'd forgotten this, but i really enjoy dressing up as things. everyone at work got my main costume, and thought the other random ones were pretty funny too.

getting it wrong without even trying

i've been writing a lot on my pocket internet device, not knowing there was actually no easy way to get that text onto my actual computer. this is a problem. i can spend a bunch of money to fix it, or...i don't even know. i'm not happy about this.

i'm also not happy that my best idea for a halloween costume consists of dressing up as a specific company executive. that has bad written all over it. actually, the thing i'm afraid of is that someone else will have the same costume idea. i think i'll revert to the old standard: dress as a specific former employee.

two weekends ago, i lost the charger to my mobile phone. more accurately, i left it in my hotel room. it's been turned off almost constantly since then. this is not helping.

north for the weekend

i'm lucky to be on vacation once again, this time watching some leaves. there are some amazing towns in northern new england. i think i like the idea of traveling to more than just the cities, but this seems like the first trip in a while where i have done that. highlights have been the beaches and some incredible cliffs.

one thing that can be tricky when eating out regularly as a vegetarian is finding something you'll enjoy. diners are always a good idea, i think, but i hated the fake mexican food i had at an unnecessarily fancy place for lunch. there were so many grilled red peppers. i think red peppers are a scourge. the key for me is to find somewhere that will serve a vegetarian dish that is noodle or rice based. i need something like a normal non-american meal minus the meat.

running on not very much

i am on vacation. this particular vacation means hanging out with the people i would normally hang out with if i had never moved two point five years ago. it also means sleeping in. hopefully, it does not involve overmuch concern that my company will decide to stop letting me be an active part of our web marketing efforts.

today's (complete) menu:

one (1) vanilla soy drink

two (2) almonds

small amount of granola

half (1/2) of an imported chocolate bar with nuts and raisins

one (1) grilled veggie burrito

one (1) side of chips with salsa

one (1) cranberry something and corn syrup drink

one (1) serving of lasagna with meat that i carefully removed


i'm hoping for pancakes tomorrow.

farewell lunches can really stink

when you order the wrong stuff. i don't know what my problem is. at the most recent one, i got something that was totally greasy and found myself completely unwilling to eat it. i was almost positive that it was going to be something i wouldn't want to eat, and it was. i ate the sides, and was terribly hungry later in the day.

farewell lunches are not about the food. they're fun, but they're not about you anyway.

when being yourself isn't enough

i can give detailed biographies of more than a dozen jazz musicians

i listen to the radio

i like pets

i wear blue shoes with my blue belt

my mobile phone is on silent

one of my many hobbies is knitting

people have been known to imitate my voice because they want to hear it all the time

so it's not a waste of time

john moved to new york in the aftermath of a snowless winter and took a room for two months in a dismal apartment. he hung on to a long-distance relationship while wishing it was over. one more than one occasion, he wondered how the walls of his apartment were put together. he wandered empty grocery stores hoping to see something that looked like food. john bought pasta and sauce and tried to plan ahead.

he slept on the floor, without a mattress, and with no furniture whatsoever. it was his only single room since college. he dreamed of filling it with ingeniously constructed furniture. he would build it out of cardboard and hope.

he took a few photos out the window, and occasionally heard the meowing of a stray cat. the neighbors played the exact same record weekly, blaring patriotic anthems from a long-forgotten film. other neighbors danced with their children in the streets to the vibrant sounds of their homeland. a homeless man occasionally slept in the unnecessarily large atrium of the building. on other occasions, john would do his laundry and meet the same man, sorting through endless plastic bags. this man was also a neighbor.

the days passed, and john's roommates warmed to him a bit. they told him of their desperate efforts with girls. they shared jokes that the understood a lot better than john did. the roommates told stories that were new york-centric, because they lived in new york. they seemed to be people who were meant to be here.

well meaning

one of my co-workers asked me, at 3:30pm, in front of my manager, if i wanted to leave and go shopping. i was not interested in shopping.

all of a sudden, it's midnight and i'm fighting with some web site where i want to delete the account i just set up because i did it wrong. i swear plenty of good things happened today, like when our graphic designed totally made a landing page banner in minutes even though somehow no one had asked him to do it yet. there was also the lemon filled donut i bought, that was a good thing. i also remembered to charge my phone before it died, and the old tv shows i watched via the internet were pretty entertaining. i found a hotel for my upcoming trip, and officially got the time off for both of the upcoming weekend trips.

a day home from the office

you know those ad campaigns where they try to give personality to a brand? well, i think it's time for my own, and it's not even about soda. i'm home sick from work today, so let me present to you:

a day home from the office.

a day home from the office says:

'i've watched twelve episodes of a one-hour drama series today'

a day home from the office means:

'i'm eating the last carrot'

a day home from the office is:

incredibly relaxing

now, take this into account

i am officially fifty percent less irresponsible than i was as of friday morning. i also called my brother-in-law today.