Friday, July 31, 2009

no, no, thank me

hey guys, matt ward here. thanks a million for coming out to my show; i hope you really enjoyed it. i have to take a minute here and say, i do enjoy showing up in town with a pile of completely beat up instruments and really throwing myself into a show. i'll admit, i have been trying to convince seltzer to get rid of that 2003 american p-bass, but some people are incorrigible. also, that is not my father on rhythm guitar; musicians should be able to enjoy long careers just like anyone else. while i've got you here, i thought i might explain a few things, since i've heard there were a few arguments on the way home over the show itself and some of the music we played. first off, i'm matt ward, and it's not like i'm going to just stride onstage and bang out the actual lead part on the first song. you see, my guitar is a big part of the act, and guitars don't always like to be played until they have a chance to warm up a bit, get the tenor of the audience, that sort of thing. you notice how we have to pay this guy to hug the guitar backstage during every song i'm not using it? so if you see me only gradually working my temperamental six-stringed associate into the music, don't think i'm some kinda ego maniac standing up there taunting you all by pretending i'm just going to wear a guitar around my neck all night. secondly, i hope you enjoyed my high tech 'virtual window' visuals. ok, ok, i'll just say it now - that was a quicktime movie - but seriously, to all your venues out there, be aware that i am going to show up with an essentially static motion picture that you'll need to run on a projector, and it lasts about an hour. think of it this way - one thing you'll always remember me by is that shadow of a window burned into your system. i'm not going to apologize for it, because, well, i made a video and asked you to play it. it doesn't get much simpler than that. also, don't try to tell me to be more personable. just be aware that i talk onstage way more than jay farrar does, plus i have more charisma. it's not even like he puts on a remotely bad show, so just shut up before i have to get testy.

ok, folks, you still with me? i know people might have some preconceptions going in to a performance, so it's worth sharing some of this with your friends. for example, you might think the musicians will perform the songs like they were on the record. thing is, i'm musically precocious, and unlike those guys who are sick of playing their big hit, i pretty much have no desire to play anything normally. were any of you standing out there thinking about the guitar melodies i skipped? well, if that bothered you, hopefully you laughed it off when i pretended for a while that i could only play one-handed piano. come on guys, i'm basically a musical genius. speaking of which, don't forget to buy indie rock band: m. ward when it comes out this christmas. it's not like you'll be spending your hard-earned on guitar hero: adam seltzer. as i was saying, though, wasn't it so much better while the smug folks were still convinced i was half afraid of the piano? also, i hope some of you brought your friends who think folk music is boring, and that they're now lost in the city wandering in a feedback-laced fog. i have to admit, the look on y'alls faces when i basically destroyed the entire sound system with my guitar is now the featured exhibition in my mental art gallery.

i know some of you bring dates on these concerts, and while i wish you could get a discount, i'm sure you were pleasantly surprised by the atmosphere i provided. come on, even that guy who was sitting down and air drumming had his girlfriend superglued by his side. that one was all me, buddy, so again, remember this when my video game gets released. just get used to great things happening when you see me. i'm matt ward. i mean, adam seltzer plays bass for me. the lead singer of norfolk & western, maybe you've heard of them? what? no, neither of us were ever in the jonas brothers...i said he sings in norfolk and western! ok, now i'm just going to have to go home and cry.

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