reductions have arrived

i am sorry to report that i will be cutting my staff. first off, as head writer, i will now take a salary of nothing, and all freelance contributors will be paid in salted sunflower seeds. my design staff quit when i asked them to work pro bono, so i will now take over responsibility for the look and feel of the site. i quietly axed my personal shopper last weekend, which explains why i have been seen at area malls more than might be expected. my it staff has been empty for quite some time, as i let them go last summer when they repeatedly claimed they didn't know how to enable a blog roll for me. any future political commentary will be backed up by my own fact finding efforts, following the departure of both members of my research department. i am still attempting to fill a position on my legal team, as well as an unpaid staff writer's slot. the anthropologists behind 'ask an australian' never were permanent members of the team, although their contributions are missed. over the years, i have attempted numerous times to hire a literary critic, but they always quit when i talk about cormac mccarthy for an entire week.

i am not reading the signs

the other day, a security fix was pushed to all the computers at work. today, i noticed that the only font i can use for email or documents is some boring old computer font. i am glad that my system is free from the scourge of times new roman. so now somehow, the day has come that i miss arial.

i recently purchased a bright orange hat as a bit of a joke. then, thursday, i was looking for some decent headphones and found a pair that is 'tangerine' in color. i have not eaten any carrots since making that purchase.

did not see this one

i was planning to write about something i didn't actually believe, so instead i will write about nonsense. each time you sleep, do you start feeling like you've given up on the day? saturday, i kept thinking one more run down the slopes would be too much. so maybe i picked up bruises along the way, but i also learned more than i could have reasonably expected. the lame part is that i was afraid overexertion would lead to a rough day at the office today. instead, i somehow got two days' work done and felt great.

it has recently been brought to my attention that my parents, people who believe in fiscal restraint, would not be surprised if i bought a new car. seeing as they are probably too smart for my economic stimulus plan - buy a new american car - this surprised me. i suppose it's easy to get confused when one of your children is buying houses and cars while the other one is breaking personal records for television viewing (with a little help from the internet). ok. the age gap between us does not really explain the difference. some day i might get caught up in something seemingly significant, though. i spent a couple minutes today thinking about granola packaging. also, thank you to everyone who texted or called while I had no service this wkend. i loved having stuff to catch up on once i returned. some cell providers just don't believe in pennsylvania. be warned - i can switch to your competition without buying a new phone, and i don't care how many times you do things that make sense since you now have reminded me of your biggest fault. discounted wifi access for voice subscribers is great, but you provide no way to sign in. any chance you can just email that to me? seriously, i gave you an extra ten bucks this month for nothing. ok, forget it. i'm just not going to send you a box of chocolate/candy cane cookies.

seriously, really

we use an application at work to extract data, and it has a bug that makes the first file you save each day unusable. why can't i just save the file in the trash? i know it doesn't ordinarily make sense to save files in the trash, but in this case, i'd be saving a step every single day. save file, it's already in the trash, save file again.

deal with it

under the net
-iris murdoch

an irresponsible writer wanders his way through london and an assortment of ridiculous situations. reckless, suspicious, and lazy about most important elements of his life, the protagonist is self-centered and scheming but remains endearing. having read 'the sea the sea,' i was amused by the fact that both novels are built around the misadventures of wordy, egotistical, male narrators. i like jake from 'under the net' a lot better, and it's interesting to note that the narrative excess that burdens the first several chapters of 'the sea the sea' is never a problem here. murdoch's dry humor and fascinating characters make this a thoroughly enjoyable read. it is in print, but this is not a book you can walk into a chain bookstore and pick up, unless you're lucky. i struck out three times before tracking a copy down with the help of the internets.

that cost good money

i was talking with some friends last night, and the subject of dreams came up. naturally, i had a particularly vivid and unnecessarily scary dream afterwards. i had a bunch of these tiny pet animals, sort of like toys but actually living, that i was struggling to help back to full health. the weird thing was that a few of them were scary, like lions and stuff. one was some sort of lizard, which, when it regained its health, started breathing fire and destroying an elaborate cardboard city i had constructed. so essentially, my dream was some freaky variation on a computer game that i was never good at, and it was really freaking me out while i was having the dream. so, in case you were wondering, when your cute pet lizardy thing is still half dead, you have to keep in mind that it will soon be breathing fire again once it's healthy.

i also had some sort of dream about fixing the fake sausage i bought last week, which is the first time i can recall being successfully vegetarian in a dream. usually, when i have had dreams where i'm conscious of my dietary preferences, it's been because i've mistakenly eaten meat. then i wake up and eventually figure out that it never happened, which is always a relief. i don't think i've had that type of dream in a while.

we'll get it fixed

all right people, it's fixing time. stop whatever you're planning and buy an american car. maybe you don't have the cash; instead, write a check to the next bank you see advertisted on television. i'm not talking deposit; just make it out for a large sum, and mail it off, no questions asked.

ok, or buy some stocks.

just feed me

today, i got made fun of for showing up at the office at 5pm and cleaning the refrigerator. later, i discovered a white powder on top of my zero proof salsa. what is going on?

sheep

today is a turtleneck day. that means that when i unnecessarily put on a dress shirt and sweater, i made it a turtleneck. i own way too many items of clothing that i think is worthless 99% of the time and then find occasional pleasure in wearing. i probably haven't had this sweater on in over a year. that's just not sustainable.

no one needs more sugar, ok

please watch out. if erratic behavior on my part has increased, you must understand. i am being fueled by an experimental high technology sports-science beverage complex. they call it 'hot' chocolate.

cutbacks are for real

can we sell the smithsonian to help finance the bailout? i guess this wouldn't be the year to make the actual sale; let's wait and sell when the markets peak again, and just plow that cash straight into debt repayment. just a thought.

a free tip

it made my life better, from the minute i heard it. pass on the wisdom.


sweet potato fries are excellent with sour cream. if you order some, just ask for sour cream on the side.

upstaged

football game tonight, thus it does not matter that:

i am an immensely talented musician

i can pick locks with my teeth

four of my closest friends have super powers

i once read a novel while hanging upside down from the chrysler building

my third birthday party was televised


at times, i find it difficult not to smile.

yeah, but i did get the address already

let's say you run a website that hosts party invitations. why would you schedule maintenance for new year's eve? it's a holiday. that involves a lot of parties.

who even cares

things i would like to see in 2009, with little regard for whether it's time:

new albums from:

air
kings of convenience
rhett miller
(ok, i do actually know he's recording next month but i don't care about the album, i just want to hear the songs live, since even his solo material works in concert)
the shins
voxtrot
calexico
neko case
fionn regan
(i'd like about 3 albums from him...now...but patience is important. he's a good reason skipping the next 20 years of life might be worth it just to get 20 years of music all at once)
nedelle and thom
(probably never happening, but come on, please?)
the postmarks
(will happen at some point, similar feel to the above, and probably the more talented group)
fruit bats
(i should add that i don't want the shins record to sound a thing like this one and that i want this one to be awesome and i want to know why the shins had to steal eric johnson because it's not like they needed the help)
the elected
(nick never seems to sing very good songs for rilo kiley, so...)
kruder & dorfmeister
(never happening i'm sure, but i guarantee they'd provide some interesting material)
zero 7
(they might be better off without jose gonzalez' help this time around, like um, er, he's really good but maybe they did have to branch out)
explosions in the sky
(one of those 'you want to hear something as good as them, it has to be them' groups)
loch lomond
(plus national tour with 9 musicians and a ton of instruments; maybe they could bring adam selzer b/c i'm not even asking for a norfolk & western record)


books:

a novel by douglas trevor
adam langer novel not about nyc or chicago
cormac mccarthy writes something tragic and peaceful
jt leroy writes a novel about office politics
joshua ferris manages to release two novels and a short story collection, about any subject he chooses, really
a michael lewis novel and a nonfiction book about the music industry
nick horby novel, set in paris and beirut, about journalism students, with fictionalized book reviews (of real books) interspersed in the text
a chimamanda ngozi adichie novel set in the middle east
a blog by andrew keen, but only for ironic value
michael frayn novel about a scottish america's cup sailor
another gabe hudson story collection
malcolm gladwell authors a novel based on a short story by al gore, vividly detailing the life of a sudanese pirate.

is it wrong to want these things? i just want more great writing, and to learn a few things about parts of the world i've never seen.

go 2009!

albums that came out this year

i can't really say i bought much music that was released in 2008. did that jens lekman album even come out this year? the new thievery corporation left the least impact, for me, of any album they've released since i started listening. i heard 'the mirror conspiracy' first, but that is such a crucial release it would have been a certain revelation to anyone taken in by their first disc. i did get the privilege of listening to 'the richest man in babylon' when it came out, and being wowed both by the musical developments and the bold expression of the duo's politics. i had 'the cosmic game' pegged as the letdown album, especially with the sorts of collaborators they brought in, but it managed to find new sonic territory while wisely branching into higher energy levels. the guys kept it real by abandoning the transcendentally cool territory they'd layed out so perfectly in 'mirror conspiracy.' other downtempo artists have failed to achieve that first step - finding the art of cool - and my frustration with the genre as a whole helped lead me away from regular listening as 2005 wound to a close. back for a taste of the latest release in 2008, i was impressed by a couple of tracks but found the album to be only a modest pleasure to hear. it might be that i'm more of an americana/folkish listener these days, so cheers to all who got more out of the new disc.

i never bought 'blame it on gravity,' because i take in the old 97s live and almost exclusively live, but from the tour, it seems like there are some decent songs there. i look forward to hearing them when they've been around the block a few dozen times.

i thought jennifer o'connor's latest, 'here with me,' was a total treat, despite her lack of artistic development on this record. for her next release, she may need to branch out a bit more, or figure out a way to do the same thing but make it sound new. at this point in her career, laboring in obscurity, i don't think it matters that the record spins nicely along where her amazing 2006 release left off. there's plenty of room for her to grow her audience just by getting in front of people; i personally would welcome more of the same. that's probably the key - she remains core to my listening fancies, and thus in my book she can get away with repeating herself. after all, when you go to an amazing concert, all you want sometimes is to be able to come back and bask in that exact sound for as long as possible. it's also easier to hold territory that provides a solid grounding. o'connor's emotive edgy storytelling is easier to repeat successfully than the quiet bliss of 'mirror conspiracy.' i think rob and eric of thievery corporation wouldn't have wanted to stay put if they'd had the chance; their globe-trotting musical journey has to be a rush. it might not be as exciting, but i think they'd have something to say, musically, about a trip back to the states and a few long winters of joe pass and bill evans. they could always mix in old friend jobim and find some fascinating new possibilities. maybe even jean-michel jarre; i'm not sure they've really covered his turf either.

use your resources wisely

i have something that most people might not, which is a large collection of albums i own and have not yet listened to. yesterday seemed an appropriate time to raid that stash, so i rewarded myself with a listen to something brand new. i'd heard a lot of the songs live, of course, but now there's an enticing new selection on the portable device for whatever mood convinces me to seek out the brand new.

keep trying

i was telling my parents how their new place could use a hoop in the driveway, and besides the fact that it makes little sense to oblige me when i live hundreds of miles away, it turns out there's a rule against it. i also don't see a rock wall in the basement. at least they didn't say they were getting an indoor pool or anything. the Christmas tree, though, looks great.

context

spending sixteen dollars to mail something overnight seems bad, but maybe not when i paid more than that to get it printed. buying six boxes of cookies seems ridiculous until you...yeah, it's ridiculous. i haven't eaten six boxes of cookies outside of work in the past year. is that weird? i have developed distinct patterns of things i will eat at the office but not at home. that's all busted now.

it's funny being back in my neighborhood and seeing how different things look now that i've been away for 3 years. i used to have such a hard time with grocery shopping, but my perspective is completely different now. there's one store 2 subway stops away, and that is so much more convenient than just about anything i've done recently as far as shopping goes.

missed opportunities

a modest blanket of snow fell friday, slowing the city and disrupting my travel plans but failing to ruin anything significant. i spent the evening at the airport waiting with friends who hoped their luck was better than my own. everyone made it out but me, and only the weather-induced pitfalls of my journey to the airport prevented me from making it out on my flight, which took off on time. a few hours later, the remaining flights were cancelled. having lost the purpose of my evening, i was buoyed by the modest hopes of friends that their journeys would end by midnight.

my own journey was far from fruitless. i discovered that wheeled luggage rolls well through small amounts of snow, but drags heavily in even an inch and a half. transportation officials can misguide you, shuttle buses don't always appear, and stubbornly pressing forward to join waiting crowds is not always a poor choice. i found that a modest suitcase can quickly reach fifty pounds in heft, and that sometimes it's better to just check a bag even if you might not get it back for several days. i found myself surprisingly happy to return to the unheated apartment and unroll my sleeping bag for one more night. on saturday, i learned that we'd actually done our landlord a disservice by not complaining; he could have fixed the heat on thursday morning and been free to enjoy his weekend. i don't mind having missed the chance to play in the still-falling snow, when it was nothing but beautiful. instead of standing in wonder at the flakes that melted on my sweater, i played my snow games in the slush, the puddles and drifts that lulled the city to somnolence with their momentary power. i slept soundly in the warmth of the sleeping bag, preparing for a new day with flights that would fear no weather.