Thursday, April 01, 2010

3D glasses should anger hipsters

having recently seen a movie in three dimensions, i have to say that there is only one type of 3D glasses that should be offered--and that they offered the right kind. thick, black, timeless frames. you know, the type that scream 'i edit movies and/or still images for a living--or at least i wish i did!' the type of glasses sold as fashion accessories to people who don't need corrective lenses. if you go to the theater and one of your friends, after watching the entire movie, says 'wait, don't take those off, i want to see what you look like,' and is *not* making fun of you, you know they're offering the right type of glasses.
i hope the hipster lobby does not succeed in nixing the current cool movie glasses just to preserve the remaining shreds of their aesthetic. it has to be bothersome enough when your look is purchasable in a chain store, so surely these glasses have inspired petition drives outside indie rock concerts all over the nation. having become stuck in 2004, i don't actually attend these types of events, so i have little firsthand knowledge of the situation. i can say, however, that i will do my best to ensure that movie theaters resist the slacker elite and continue to make cool retro 3D glasses available to all.
so i commend the theater, but i recently saw a 3D television marketed with glasses that screamed 'the future as envisioned in 1994.' that is wrong. there are many ways to spend a thousand bucks and look stupid (buy 2 giant dorky e-readers?). in fact, with the falling prices of many dorky items, i can uncool-ly accessorize myself and have plenty left over for electronics.
if i want to look like an idiot, have less money, and own a television, i can accomplish all of these goals without purchasing a product that **makes it awkward to make out while watching a film.** am i really going to look at the person next to me with their jordi laforge face-shield eyewear and try to kiss them? the entire home theater experience is based upon the promise of making out. essentially, home theater = movie theater minus expensive snacks, minus forgetting you parked in sec H3, plus pause button, plus private makeout opportunity. the 3D glasses are already an issue, but at least have them be something i can enjoy slipping off of someone's face. seriously, sometimes you have to wonder if technology is destined to prevent people from ever connecting.

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